Statement to the Honorable Jury of all Writers

Honorable Members of the Jury: Besides writing, I also paint and sculpt in clay and paper maché. The muse who assists me with this type of art still keeps her sweet, ethereal and Greek appearance. I am respectful and reverent to the Paint and Sculpting Muse and abide her bidding without protest. She bathes me in her light of creativeness and she makes me believe Leonardo daVinci and Michael Angelo live inside me. (No, I didn't eat them.) In any case, this muse does feed my dragon size ego and ensures an obedient devoted follower...and also ensures a perfect hairdo, spotless white tunic and complete nails.

My writing muse is a ninja. (Notice I said ninja, not Captain Ninja). It was not always so. At the beginning of our relationship she was all sweet, ethereal and Greek, like her other sister. Our relationship suffered a metamorphosis in the last six months. She became bossy and demanding. Dragons can be sweet talked into doing something but you better watch your tone or you may end all crispy without warning. But I did warn her not to try my patience. I told her I needed her to let me write at my own pace. I also told her to give me time to do the research needed to carry out her plans. But noooo, she had to keep talking and ordering me around and complaining like a rattling sour wife.

"I told you to do this eons ago! Why don't you listen to me? Can't you keep anything in that little head of yours for more than five seconds? I'm the expert here, I told you to weld it and you're using Duct Tape, instead! What's all that fire for then?"

"I'll show you what it is for", I said. And that was the beginning of the end. We have not been able to hold a polite conversation ever since. In exchange for the Stressed Dragons Membership she got me, I got her a Loyalty Card at the Muses and other Mythical Beings Hospital. I have smoked her, tanned her and gave her an Afro hairdo.

My last offense, sitting on her in order to get some peace of mind, made her take drastic measures to deal with me. Each time she enters the Dragon Cave, she comes ready for relentless Full Contact combat. I wonder if there is some sort of Muse Federation she went to learn those moves and locks.

I shouldn't be surprised. The muse of a stubborn, cranky, fire dragon with authority issues should have some risks in the profile. We are both at fault here. I only wish somebody would tell her we would be more productive if she would let me do things my way. I don't like being told what to do, when to do it and above all, I don't appreciate her looking over my shoulder, breathing down my neck and nagging me at each single step.

Did I say something when she bombarded me with ideas while in my dragon shower? No. Did I swat her like a mosquito when she urged me to step down the treadmill in order to write that "bright" scene she has? No. But she has made a sport of interrupting me in the most untimely moments. I was supposed to fix Christmas feast yesterday. It's not an easy thing to cook dwarf food, dragon food and human food at the same time. It was a miracle the cave kitchen didn't blow up, I swear. The Muse sneaked in with all answers I've been asking for the last two months!

"Why here, why now?" The pots with the soy milk were making an odd noise.
"It's my Christmas present to you. Here it is finally the perfect solution for the end of Agnipath. It is wrong for me to say but it is brilliant. You'll leave them breathless."
"Them who? I said I would only write for me and my belly button for now." The milk pot became an erupting volcano. "Step out of my way!"
"If you don't write this critical death now, your dinosaur peanut size brain will forget it all in... 5, 4, 3..."
I scrambled for a piece of paper and a pen, jotted key words and checked on the vegetables that were about to become puddle.
"Now, for the the final confrontation between Aryan and Rohan..."
"This is it. I am not listening."
"Yes, you are. He will learn the truth about the fire that burned the house when...."
"The garlick. I need garlick and pepper, where is the pepper?"
"...and before he kills him, Rohan will tell him the truth behind his mother's death..."
"Lalalalalalala" Damn it, that's a good one. 

So I turned around and....I got three more erupting volcanos, a disaster all over the floor, three dwarves bathed in beans and two beards ruined beyond repair (poor Sesin, son of Tasin and Milin, son of Carmelita).

Did I get an apology from the perpetrator muse? No! All I got is a blank mind after I spent the next 4 hours cleaning a mess while trying to get two dishes cooked. Honorable Jury of all Writers, I demand a compensation. I demand justice.... Ok, a mild revenge can also do. Do not hold me guilty of my future actions. If it is rough play what she wants, rough play she will have.

You do believe in temporary madness, don't you?

Not Another End of The World Post

If you are reading this, it means we are all still here and this was yet-another-Apocalypse-Armageddon-End of the World fiasco. OR it means you are a survivor and I was most likely sent straight to Dragon Hell, head first, for mocking about the yet-another-Apocalypse-Armageddon-End of the World date.

Since it is most likely the first option and there is no more Mayan calendar to read, the only thing left to do is pick up another dramatic encrypted message in some other piece of stone, change the interpretation of the stones we already have or, as the picture suggests, start deciphering possible Wiping Off the World Dates on the Oreos.

I must confess although I laughed shamelessly at the whole 2012 End stuff, I gave some thought to it too. The end of the world is, for me, the day I die. Whether the Earth keeps spinning or not, evidently the world would be over for me.  I know people don't like to talk about death but I spent long years trying to understand it and after so much study, I ended up losing any fear I could have felt about it. I suppose it greatly depends on what I believe death is and what happens afterwards, or if there is even an afterwards. However, I am not nearly discussing death here.

Ironically, the End of the World fans made me think about Life. I don't need some prophecy to tell me life is not guaranteed. People tend to take it for granted but truth is the end of *my* world may come tomorrow, a week from now or in many more years. The world may end for a person in a second, announced or unannounced.

I've heard many times, "Live this day as if it were the last of your life." Those who have had Near Death Experiences suffer a drastic change in their personalities because they become extremely aware how precious their world is. They become more loving, more patient, more grateful and less worried about things that suddenly don't matter as much as they thought. Priorities change forever. They see the world with different eyes.

Facing terminal diseases have similar effect. "If you knew you would die young, what would have you changed about  your life?" - "I would have done this, I would have done that. I would have told my people how much I loved them. I would have taken time for the real important things. I would forgive, ask for forgiveness.." and a long etc.

I cannot help but to wonder why humans are so worried about the Future, so obsessed about the Past, and let Present drip off their hands. A teacher once told me, "With a foot firmly standing on the Past, and the other foot firmly standing on the Future, we pee on the Present." Not so elegant, my teacher, but truthful enough. Or as my good friend, Master Oogway quoted: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called present."

Talking of the end of the world, to me, has nothing to do with the useless and morbid sensationalism around prophecies, regardless who wrote about them. Personally, I think it's more of a "heads-up" to understand all we truly have certain is the NOW, to say what we want to say, to do the best we can do and to be the best we can be. It's to pay more attention to this instant and make of it the best of our lives -just as if it were to be the last-.

Becoming the best we can ever be, I believe, it's the essence of  the spirit of Christmas.

Paradoxically, I think the way to practice the spirit of Christmas all the year involves to keep in mind we won't get a memo to warn us about the end of the world, not the Earth, but our *personal* world. To be aware that everything we have is borrowed for the time that's given us to have it. It wouldn't hurt to appreciate each instant as if it were the last.

I'm one creature who has faced near extinction more than a couple times. That's why I never leave the Cave without giving my loved ones a kiss and a tight hug. My greetings also involve hugs. (Ok, so I am a cuddly type of dragon). I take time to watch the sun, the stars, the rain, the moon, feel the wind, and hear the birds as if it were the last time I'm enjoying all that. I thank every morning I wake up to, and every night I manage to get to my bed safe, aware that those I love are safe in their beds too.

Above all, I try to keep all paws firmly standing on the Now. What say you? Do you think you can try?

HELP THE ELF: I Found Santa’s Missing Nice List!

Hi everyone! As you may remember, a few weeks ago PETE the Elf had a touch too much Eggnog at the Holiday Christmas Party and as he stumbled home, he lost Santa's NICE LIST.

The North Wind scattered the papers to all four corners of the world, and The Bookshelf Muse put out a call to help find them in order to SAVE CHRISTMAS.

Ever since I read about it, I've been on the lookout. And then today, EUREKA!

Yes that's right...I found part of Santa's missing NICE LIST. There it was, fluttering in the wind, half caught under the corner of my welcome mat. And shock of all shocks, I recognized the name, and I bet you will too.

Here it is below:

NAME: Lynne Abernathy

LOCATION: USA

NICE LEVEL: 95%

NAUGHTY LEVEL: 5%

OBSERVATIONS: She's an excellent dragon tamer and guardian. She makes the most wonderful and original virgin snacks. She had bore 12 years of writing partnership with the Father Dragon (not easy at all). She might have abandoned Dragon Cave lately (for work.)

RECOMMENDATION:     a) Coal                   b) Special video card (look below)

~ ~ * ~ ~

NAME: Jeff Hargett

LOCATION: Strands of Pattern

NICE LEVEL: 92%

NAUGHTY LEVEL: 8%

OBSERVATIONS: He is a great supportive friend. He is an excellent critique partner. He offers good advice and honest insight. He is a good "Toss the Dwarf" player, for a human. He could have more confidence in himself, though.

RECOMMENDATION:     a) Coal                   b) Special video card (look below)

~ ~ * ~ ~
There are two other people I just have to mention even if they're not writers but they also mean a lot to this writer. Mama Dragon, who hates writers but supports me and wishes for this dragon writer to be published one day. And Father Dragon "The Great", who was 98% responsible for my love for stories and books.

RECOMMENDATION:     a) Coal                   b) Special video card

~ ~ * ~ ~

Because poor Pete is dashing all over the place trying to hunt down the rest of Santa's missing Nice List, I decided to take care of these ones myself. Merry Christmas, buddies! Your names are carved in golden letters on the Wall of Honor at the Dragon Cave. Enjoy the gift I made specially for you and have a wonderful Christmas!

*Dragon Video Card *

How about you? Is there someone you would like to say Happy Holidays to, or tell them how much they mean to you? JOIN US! There is still time. Don't leave for tomorrow what you can do today :D. Sometimes a kind word and a smile is more valuable than the most expensive gift in the world. So go ahead and spread some kindness and cheer!


Photo credit: assorted gold baubles (christmasstockimages.com) / CC BY 3.0
Music: You Raise me Up feat. Josh Gobran

To Believe or Not to Believe, THAT is Da Question.

I've come to the conclusion there is one single rule in writing: There are no rules in writing. There is also only one constant in writing: The dire wish to write. And there is the Inevitable: The doubt on our skills and the fear we're not good enough. It doesn't matter whether the writer is published or unpublished, no one is untouchable. Doubt and Fear will rear their ugly head at some point in everybody's road, or at many points.

A teacher once told me whenever I found something hard to do, I should not think "I can't do it." Instead, I should think "I don't know how to do it." Thinking you can't do something leaves you without options. Thinking you don't know how, means you will achieve your goal as soon as you figure out how. It isn't a matter of skills or ability, it's a matter of knowledge.

Following this advice, I've practically devoured every bit of information I could about writing. Ironically, the more I learned, the more difficult the task became. As I struggled to digest the information, I got away from the "I don't know how" and leaned closer and closer to the "I can't do it." I lost myself in a maze of lessons, doubts and questions. The horizon disappeared from sight and frustration clouded the reason why I was doing all this search in the first place.

I stopped writing. I couldn't read the "map." Directions became enigmas and riddles. All of a sudden, the only thought spinning in my mind was "I can't do this." I know nothing. I understand little. Obstacles are too many. I'll never get it right.

I am a dragon. Fantasy is what I'm made of and magic is part of my everyday life. My belief there are such things as magic in the real world is what keeps me here. The day I stop believing is the day I'll disappear. This means, I do believe in signs from the Higher Spheres. I believe in conversation with a Greater Power, the one who made me just as I am: a writer dragon.

When I was close to dump everything and give up on finishing the stories I'm working on, there were questions repeating themselves in my mind. My heart turned to the Higher Powers.

"I am not a quitter. Quitting is just out of the question, but should I give up for a while? There are other forms of art I am better at and I can do so I let the writing rest. Should I do this? Or should I ignore all doubts, just sort it out and go ahead? Should I return to the starting point? Should I quit trying to learn so much so fast?"

As a dragon, I understand the Higher Powers do not speak in tenor's voice from the sky. They speak to me through others and through daily events. So my questions went to a Knight, friend of dragons. Sir Jeff's letter was eloquent and his general message was "Keep writing and trust on your heart to do this right."

But the Higher Powers were not done talking yet. I take inspiration from movies and books as well. I had offer author Catherine McLean to read her new book and make a review here. The book is Jewels of the Sky and the review is still to come. But it made me feel an excitement and hunger for adventure I had not felt in a while. It refreshed my wish to write and the confidence I could do it well.

Additionally, I promised mother dragon I would take her to the premier of The Hobbit. Whereas I enjoyed the movie, there was a part that echoed loudly in my heart. A snippet of conversation between Balin and Thorin, where Balin is saying Thorin doesn't have to fight the dragon. I don't remember the exact words but he says something like: "You have given your people a new home in the Blue Mountains. Forget Erebor." And Thorin's answer was that his ancestors didn't pass on to him a key expecting he would forget their home. He said, "You have that option. I don't." 

I have met two titans in my life. Two individuals whose fortitude, resilience and determination are worth of heroic songs. To them I promised I would never quit fighting for my goals. Thorin spoke the reminder from Above about my vow.

My last sign was the perfect wrapping and summary of all answers I asked for. I had a hunch I had to go see The Origin of the Guardians. My money was enough for one single ticket. It was either the Guardians or The Hobbit. I paid for the Hobbit. It was just too much coincidence that the theater made a silly mistake and tried to mend it by giving me free passes to another movie. I got to see the Guardians for free. That was, I guess, the clearest sign it was meant for me to see both.

The Guardians talk about fear and about fantasy and magic and dreams. The Guardians show you how fear and doubt destroy everything your child's heart believe in. We writers might not fear the boogeyman, but we fear nonetheless, and we fear a lot. It is this fear that kill our determination to keep writing. It kills our stories and our dreams. It is this fear that often makes the child inside us shut up and hide in the darkest corner of our hearts. The Guardians question people what is in our core. What are we made of? What's our special virtue that identifies us, individually?

It certainly hit home with me as I understood fear is only as big as I want to make it. It is as invincible as I let it be. My doubts get a hold of my heart in the extent of the fear that dwells inside me. This is no children tale. This is true. It happens to me, it happens to everybody I've read posts from these days. No one can save us from the boogeyman but our own wish to believe we have everything we need to defeat it. The understanding that it will be as big or as small, as powerful or powerless to defeat me as I let it be.

To me, it is the choice to believe fantastic magic can happen in this real world as well. We writers weave dreams. We should not loose the ability to marvel. We believe in muses, do we not? Then why not to believe we are also Guardians of Words and Guardians of the worlds we've created? Published or unpublished, they already exist, whether in paper or in our minds. We may choose to believe we're small and boogeyman is invincible and quit the writing, OR we may choose to believe there's a true writer in our core, a maker of worlds, and we are the Guardians of that core.

This brings to my mind a piece of writing that has accompanied me for many years. From Letters to a Young Poet, by Rainer Maria Rilke.

"How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.
Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us. So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like cloud shadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall..."

The Higher Spheres have answered the questions of this dragon and I choose to believe in me, so Father Dragon can keep existing in this, the real world.

What do you choose for yourself?

The Very Secret Diaries

I came across The Very Secret Diaries of Cassandra Claire many years ago and I really thought she was brilliant. They made me laugh a lot. It was really a pity she didn't continue her wonderful work and stopped the diaries beginning the Two Towers. I think she was really fun and creative.  Now to celebrate the premier of The Hobbit, and to cheer up some low spirits, let's remember Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries of The Lord of the Rings.

The Fellowship of the Ring

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMYEE
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN, SON OF ARATHORN
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GIMLI, SON OF GLOIN
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRIN TUCK
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF, THE GRAY
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN, THE WHITE
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAURON, LORD OF MORDOR
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF RINGWRAITH No. 5
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GOLLUM
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARWEN UNDOMIEL
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ELROND

The Two Towers

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN, SON OF ARATHORN (PART II)
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF THEODEN, SON OF THENGEL
THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS (PART II)

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS

Day One:

Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave

me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.

Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured

it has something to do with Elf medicine.

Day Three

Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.

Day Four

Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount

Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the

ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

Day Six:

Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.

He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.

Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.

Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.

It must truly be an object of awesome power.

Day Eleven:

Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat

not just for show.

Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just very peculiar.

Day 24 :

Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me

and pinch me as he has been doing lately.

Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

Day 27 :

Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she

kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo

Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my

extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of

breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

Day 30 :

Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a

group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not

affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other

parts.

Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

Right?

Day 33 :

Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure

he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite

huge.

Day 36 :

Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those

platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.

Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the

idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah,

well, he never would have liked me anyway.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

Day One:

Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be

all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

Did I say that out loud?

Day Three:

Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told

me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took

clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another

bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four:

Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

Day Five:

Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.

Gandalf no fun at all.

*sulk*

Day Six:

Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his

fingers are all wrinkled.

Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven:

Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr.

Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

Day Eight:

Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship very dodgy if you ask me.

Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt

Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small

men in shorts.

Day Nine:

Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him

if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

Very dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every

time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about

pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit

from Shire not versed in wordly ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

Ick.

Day Fifteen:

Lothlorien very pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo

left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would

make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.

Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two:

Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.

Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as

have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with

Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three:

Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course

(hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to

take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a

big fib don't we.

Day Twenty-Four:

Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.

Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as

seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed

and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the

Dark Lord's realm.

We will see about that.

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:

Ringwraiths killed: 4. Very good.

Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.

Still not King.

Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.

Not King yet.

Day Six:

Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.

Yes!

Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.

Still not King.

Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. Very dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.

Not King today either.

Day Eleven:

Orcs killed: 7. Very good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Legolas may be hotter than me.

I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:

Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a

move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.

Still not King.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Boromir. He’s not so bad.

Took a shower. Yay!

But still not King.

Day 32:

Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.

Day 33:

Orcs killed: Countless thousands. Very good.

Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now

quite sure that he was very definitely gay.

Not so sure about Gimli either.

RIP Boromir.

Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however

have been blood loss.

Day 34:

Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some

tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important

mission - gold ring so tacky.

Day Four:

Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the

time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted

we climb back down.

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

Day Six:

Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am

developing a tangle.

Orcs so silly.

Still the prettiest.

Day Ten:

Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on

my nose. very serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years

or more.

Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Day Eleven:

In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at

least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her

mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand

of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

Still prettiest by far.

Day 30:

All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill

him if he tries anything.

Still the prettiest.

Day 33 :

Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already

have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.

Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey"

who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper

elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

Day 35:

Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn

as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get

any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it.

Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other,

rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see

advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee

dark times ahead, very dark times.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR

Day One:

      Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He

thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the

side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles,

an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got

distracted there for a bit.

      Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by

Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.

      Ooops.

Day Three

      Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four

      Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it

back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved

right up his...

      Stupid Ring.

      Day Four:

      Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

      Ha Ha! Ha!

      Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

      Day Six:

      Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."

"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut

off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."

      Blatant favoritism most annoying.

      Day Ten:

      Why isn't Aragorn into me 

      Day Eleven:

      Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.

      Kind of liked it, actually.

      Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.

Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things,

too...

      In other news, Gandalf died.

      Day 30:

      In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to

my rugged yet unwashed manliness.

      Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy

git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.

      Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time

he did not mean with each other.

      Stupid Aragorn.

      Day 33 :

      Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it.

Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.

Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little

cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)

      Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

      Day 35:

      Killed by orcs.

      Stupid orcs.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY

Day One:

In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was

Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?

Day Two:

Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed.

Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either.

Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.

Day Three:

Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

Day Twelve:

Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells

me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably

stealing paper out of my inbox again.

Day Thirteen :

Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for

pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

Day Fourteen :

Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

Day Sixteen :

Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for

giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I

might have figured out he was evil before.

Day Nineteen :

Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo

baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.

Day Twenty :

Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get

into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go

with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.

Day Twenty-One:

Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked

Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious."

Useless git.

Day Twenty-Three :

Very cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo

up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of

the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.

Day Twenty-Five :

Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry

about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

Day Twenty-Six:

In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

Day Twenty-Seven:

Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable

things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell

the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge

battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns

in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does,

will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!