Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous
letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.
Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.
Have met very nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not
just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks
Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except
of one very large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or
perhaps hairy. Have heard some very bad stories about palantir relationships.
Should probably cool it for a while.
Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor.
Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not fat or hairy, just
disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to
scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping
Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted
to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible
pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to
show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an
eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed
him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.
Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf.
Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more
effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.
All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.
Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will
save me daily stair climb.
Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip
with four hobbits, a very buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother,
that's Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whining
about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some
kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.
What a bunch of yobbos.
Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. Very tedious
experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner
and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins
and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will
not complain about pink uniforms.
Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so
darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided
to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just
shows all the slime.
If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?
Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer very impressed. Aragorn obviously
fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with
one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one
who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor"
sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is
Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir
convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so
hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck
Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.