Saturday, December 15, 2012


Day One:

Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his

Day Five

Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is
transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I
will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and
it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.

Day Six

Is not that being defeated by last alliance is so bad, is not even that
being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although Visine would be a
comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?


Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco
ball away. God, it's fun to be evil.

Day Three Million Five:

Am bored. Have been waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install DSL
in Barad-Dur since second-age. Will use palantir as alternative to personal
ads, as am lonely.

Day Three Million Seven:

I spy with my big-huge-nasty-flaming eye...something resembling a novelty
dashboard ornament. Witch King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather
cute. On the smallish side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these

Day Three Million Nine:

ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING!


Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine succeeds in sorting their
elbows from asshats, that is.

Day Three Million Eleven:

Have met very nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have
copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for me. Finally
someone to see past the eyeball. Will send him packet of glittery barrettes.

Day Three Million Thirteen:

Tried to ask Saruman over for dinner, but lost nerve at last moment and said
some idiotic thing about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing
watching him play violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark
romance, so will not clear up confusion just yet.

Day Three Million Sixteen:

Wonder if Saruman becoming somewhat deaf? Told him I was hoping we could
delineate boundaries of relationship, instead he defoliated Isengard.

Day Three Million Twenty:

Some bearded tart with pointy hat trying to horn in on my action. Hmmm.

Think Saruman may have put him in guest bedroom. Will have to ask Saruman to

Day Three Million Twenty-One:

Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited?
Just because have no body and cannot play twister with Legolas is no reason
to snub me.

Day Three Million Twenty-Two:

Have been watching Fellowship through palantir. Ringbearer really very pretty,
I must admit, with big soulful eyes and little hairy feet. What I wouldn't
give for a body and a shower-cap right now. Although bath-obsessed hobbit
companion would probably kill me if I tried anything.

Day Three Million Twenty-Three:

Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely place,
Moria, used to vacation there. Pointy-hatted ex-bf seemed nervous; sent word
to Bob to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean... oh bugger.

Day Three Million Twenty-Four:

No word back from Bob. Suspect he is moping. Never could sort out his love
life. Always whining and writing in his journal. Bloody sensitive demon
types, no use at all.

Day Three Million Twenty-Five:

Pointy hatted ex fell into shadow. Down with the competition! Ringbearer
moping. Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn might like to have a go at cheering
him up. Apparently something of a pervy hobbit-fancier. So that?s why the
blood of Numenor died out.

Day Three Million Twenty-Six:

Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel. It's always
about HER. Paint my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my hair, Sauron. I want a
pretty ring, Sauron. Then she goes off with slabbish oaf Celeborn. Bet HE
cannot forge twenty rings of Power.

Suspect bitch-slap fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas as to which
of them can nance around better while holding water pitcher. Cannot help but
roll my eye over this. Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and watch
the fireworks.


Well, would you look at that dwarf getting it on with Celeborn. I tell you,
three Million years on Middle-Earth and some things still surprise me.

Day Three Million Twenty-Nine:

Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed : four hundred, very bad. Humans
killed : one. Go Uruk-Hai!
Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?
Maybe is just me.

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