THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF PEREGRINE TUCK

DAY ONE

Was out pilfering vegetables when bumped into Sam and Frodo. Had a nice

little roll around with Frodo in corn before was forcibly removed by Sam.

Must have word with Frodo about letting servants get overly familiar and

grabby.

Fell down hill. Merry very disappointed that he broke his carrot. After he

found one that was just the right shape, too.

DAY TWO

Very nice in Rivendell. Sick of rooming with Sam though. Constantly sopping

wet and reeking of strawberries. Also tired of elves mistaking me for

unusually lifelike lawn ornament.

DAY THREE

Joined Fellowship of Ring for a lark. Everyone very nice except Legolas seems

a bit testy. Yesterday held me upside down over crevasse until I admitted he

was the prettiest elf in the Fellowship. Did not feel like pointing out he

was only elf in Fellowship, as crevasse was very deep.

DAY SEVEN

Has been twenty-five days since met Aragorn and he has not yet washed his

hair. Is really starting to bother me.

DAY NINE

Sam all wrong about Boromir. Really very nice man. Invited me to go for a

walk with him tonight and said he would let me blow his Horn of Gondor.

Can?t wait.

Later that night

Always thought blowing the Horn of Gondor was supposed to summon armies of

the West?

Apparently not.

Very educational, all the same.

DAY ELEVEN

Very dark in mines of Moria. Still sort of a relief as means Boromir cannot

corner me and complain how Aragorn is insensitive, stuck up git with hobbit

fixation. Pot calling kettle black if you ask me. Aragorn obviously way into

Frodo, however. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

DAY THIRTEEN

Caught Legolas waxing soles of Aragorn?s boots, thus explaining why Aragorn

keeps collapsing into his arms. Tricky elf.

Aragorn still hasn?t washed his hair.

DAY FOURTEEN

Gandalf dead. Everyone morose. In attempt to cheer up Fellowship, Legolas

took off all his clothes and performed scenes from Silmarillion: The

Musical. Everyone still morose. Legolas ponced off to have 3,000-year-old

elf prince sulk.

DAY FIFTEEN

Lothlorien very pretty. Accidentally walked in on Gimli taking a bath. Now

understand what Gandalf meant about there being scarier things than Orcs.

And was that Aragorn hiding under all the bubbles? May have nightmares for

weeks.

DAY SIXTEEN

Aragorn washed his hair. Hurrah.

Maybe it really was him under all the bubbles.

DAY TWENTY

Boromir wrote me a poem. Merry says I am leading him on. Of course, Merry

also says I cry like a girl. Merry a total bastard most of the time,

actually.

Poem not very good. Did not rhyme. Feel slighted.

DAY THIRTY

Told Boromir I did not feel ready to commit, so he went and got himself shot

by Orcs. Honestly. Humans so oversensitive sometimes.

Have been kidnapped by Uruk-hai. Not very friendly types. Merry says we may

have to shag our way out of captivity. Suspect Merry looking forward to it,

useless wassock. Orcs very smelly. Suddenly miss Boromir.