Against the Ropes

I thought I wouldn't but in the end I did join Alex J. Cavanaugh's Insecure Writer's Support Group. Sorry for the late post but I just returned from a trip and only now got internet available. Besides, it has been quite an hectic week. You'll see why.

The days of the year I dread the most have passed. My greatest headache every year starts on December 24th and lasts until the 31st. Those who know me real good have related me to some lost family member of the Grinch and Scrooge together. So many times I've asked the High Powers why they can't let me go into hibernation mode on the 23th and wake up on January 1st.

"Why, oh God, why can't I just block the Dragon Cave, turn off the lights and pretend I'm not here?"

There's a popular saying where I come from. "Dios no cumple antojos ni endereza jorobados." The literal translation would be "God does not grant cravings or straightens hunchbacks." The message is basically God does not exist to do your homework. No, really?

For more years than I care to remember I had focused my mind, my heart and my whole being in just bearing it. Let Christmas be Christmas and me being there without being there. I became a master of stealth techniques. I could be part of the furniture and my mind could go into deep meditation about the year that was ending and my future goals to accomplish. 

I have read more during the second semester of 2012 than in the last 5 years. I was trying to become a professional writer -Nevermind I have no idea whatsoever what that means exactly-. Somewhere I read the best source of inspiration was not found behind the closed doors of your house but in the world outside. I also read somewhere else that in order to avoid Alzheimer and all the brain related problems that comes with age you should follow a few easy rules. One of them was around the lines of stop focusing in oneself and socialize.

I decided I certainly want inspiration and I most certainly do not want Alzheimer.... and Christmas, Christmas time was here. Could I take the challenge? But of course. Dragon is always up for challenges!  So I put the Scrooge Grinch coat aside, dressed the dwarves with Elves' suits, tied a jingling bell in my tail and even practiced the Ho-ho-ho smile. I sang carols for warming up. Practiced 2000 push-ups saying "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year". Yes, I was going to make the best Holiday dragon. 

My equipment for this mission was at its best. The past doesn't matter. Now is the only thing that matters. You write your life each instant. You can be as happy as you choose to be. Mind controls the brain. Time for inspiration, time to open the heart, time for renovation. 

Has it ever happened to you that you plan a perfect date, or a perfect meal or a perfect something and then something goes wrong and it starts a chain reaction, until all you have in your hands is a perfect mess? Christmas wasn't that bad, but after the 26th I was reminded over and over again of every single reason why I came to dread and hate this time of the year in the first place. 

But hey! it's all about determination. When I get hit in the cheek, I put the other. The problem is when I get hit in the mouth, well... since I only have one, I think of putting something else, like dagger sharp teeth or claws. But it was Christmas, and I had written a beautiful post about never giving up and stuff. I had to stand to my dragon word or I would feel false. 

I endured with my widest sneer, er... smile. I was so deeply focused on getting through this without pulling the "stealth master trick" that I didn't have time to make any resolutions or think about the year that was ending or on any New Year plans or expectations. I was living the now, INDEED. And just when I was feeling like this was enough for the next one hundred years, I tried to decompress by watching a movie: Real Steel.

Who doesn't get goosebumps at those great scenes of a fighting or boxing movie (be it Real Steel or Rocky IV) when the protagonist is all but broken but suddenly gets the strength needed  to defeat the apparently invincible enemy? We get all excited and cheer for the champion and feel all inspired to prove our courage in memorable ways.

Have you ever felt your inner self, your essence, your very core is cracking down at certain tasks, challenges, missions you have undertaken? Have you felt you are losing the fight even when you have tried your best? I have, many times along my dragon life, in many arenas.

It's so tempting to drop the towel then. SO tempting. Mostly when we do have all the good reasons to do it; the fear, the pain, the anger, the defeat, the lack of answers and options, the odds against us. It seems the Higher Powers are speaking to us loud and clear: Step back, quit, just forget it.

This season didn't have the success I expected but I am still trying next year. I will not get down the ring. Why? Because the greatest victories are the result of the hardest fights. A great tenor is not applauded for clearing his throat. A great writer is not praised for writing "Dear Sirs,". 

If you really want to get that glorious triumph that makes your skin crawl with goosebumps, you need to stand up and get your soul to fight when you think your heart cannot take anymore. It is far easier to watch a movie than to try that kind of heroism in your real life with your real aches and challenges -whatever they might be- but sparing the pain won't get you closer to your goals. 

Today is the second day of 2013 and the only resolution I could come up with is: Stay in the Ring.

To Believe or Not to Believe, THAT is Da Question.

I've come to the conclusion there is one single rule in writing: There are no rules in writing. There is also only one constant in writing: The dire wish to write. And there is the Inevitable: The doubt on our skills and the fear we're not good enough. It doesn't matter whether the writer is published or unpublished, no one is untouchable. Doubt and Fear will rear their ugly head at some point in everybody's road, or at many points.

A teacher once told me whenever I found something hard to do, I should not think "I can't do it." Instead, I should think "I don't know how to do it." Thinking you can't do something leaves you without options. Thinking you don't know how, means you will achieve your goal as soon as you figure out how. It isn't a matter of skills or ability, it's a matter of knowledge.

Following this advice, I've practically devoured every bit of information I could about writing. Ironically, the more I learned, the more difficult the task became. As I struggled to digest the information, I got away from the "I don't know how" and leaned closer and closer to the "I can't do it." I lost myself in a maze of lessons, doubts and questions. The horizon disappeared from sight and frustration clouded the reason why I was doing all this search in the first place.

I stopped writing. I couldn't read the "map." Directions became enigmas and riddles. All of a sudden, the only thought spinning in my mind was "I can't do this." I know nothing. I understand little. Obstacles are too many. I'll never get it right.

I am a dragon. Fantasy is what I'm made of and magic is part of my everyday life. My belief there are such things as magic in the real world is what keeps me here. The day I stop believing is the day I'll disappear. This means, I do believe in signs from the Higher Spheres. I believe in conversation with a Greater Power, the one who made me just as I am: a writer dragon.

When I was close to dump everything and give up on finishing the stories I'm working on, there were questions repeating themselves in my mind. My heart turned to the Higher Powers.

"I am not a quitter. Quitting is just out of the question, but should I give up for a while? There are other forms of art I am better at and I can do so I let the writing rest. Should I do this? Or should I ignore all doubts, just sort it out and go ahead? Should I return to the starting point? Should I quit trying to learn so much so fast?"

As a dragon, I understand the Higher Powers do not speak in tenor's voice from the sky. They speak to me through others and through daily events. So my questions went to a Knight, friend of dragons. Sir Jeff's letter was eloquent and his general message was "Keep writing and trust on your heart to do this right."

But the Higher Powers were not done talking yet. I take inspiration from movies and books as well. I had offer author Catherine McLean to read her new book and make a review here. The book is Jewels of the Sky and the review is still to come. But it made me feel an excitement and hunger for adventure I had not felt in a while. It refreshed my wish to write and the confidence I could do it well.

Additionally, I promised mother dragon I would take her to the premier of The Hobbit. Whereas I enjoyed the movie, there was a part that echoed loudly in my heart. A snippet of conversation between Balin and Thorin, where Balin is saying Thorin doesn't have to fight the dragon. I don't remember the exact words but he says something like: "You have given your people a new home in the Blue Mountains. Forget Erebor." And Thorin's answer was that his ancestors didn't pass on to him a key expecting he would forget their home. He said, "You have that option. I don't." 

I have met two titans in my life. Two individuals whose fortitude, resilience and determination are worth of heroic songs. To them I promised I would never quit fighting for my goals. Thorin spoke the reminder from Above about my vow.

My last sign was the perfect wrapping and summary of all answers I asked for. I had a hunch I had to go see The Origin of the Guardians. My money was enough for one single ticket. It was either the Guardians or The Hobbit. I paid for the Hobbit. It was just too much coincidence that the theater made a silly mistake and tried to mend it by giving me free passes to another movie. I got to see the Guardians for free. That was, I guess, the clearest sign it was meant for me to see both.

The Guardians talk about fear and about fantasy and magic and dreams. The Guardians show you how fear and doubt destroy everything your child's heart believe in. We writers might not fear the boogeyman, but we fear nonetheless, and we fear a lot. It is this fear that kill our determination to keep writing. It kills our stories and our dreams. It is this fear that often makes the child inside us shut up and hide in the darkest corner of our hearts. The Guardians question people what is in our core. What are we made of? What's our special virtue that identifies us, individually?

It certainly hit home with me as I understood fear is only as big as I want to make it. It is as invincible as I let it be. My doubts get a hold of my heart in the extent of the fear that dwells inside me. This is no children tale. This is true. It happens to me, it happens to everybody I've read posts from these days. No one can save us from the boogeyman but our own wish to believe we have everything we need to defeat it. The understanding that it will be as big or as small, as powerful or powerless to defeat me as I let it be.

To me, it is the choice to believe fantastic magic can happen in this real world as well. We writers weave dreams. We should not loose the ability to marvel. We believe in muses, do we not? Then why not to believe we are also Guardians of Words and Guardians of the worlds we've created? Published or unpublished, they already exist, whether in paper or in our minds. We may choose to believe we're small and boogeyman is invincible and quit the writing, OR we may choose to believe there's a true writer in our core, a maker of worlds, and we are the Guardians of that core.

This brings to my mind a piece of writing that has accompanied me for many years. From Letters to a Young Poet, by Rainer Maria Rilke.

"How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave.
Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us. So you must not be frightened if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like cloud shadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall..."

The Higher Spheres have answered the questions of this dragon and I choose to believe in me, so Father Dragon can keep existing in this, the real world.

What do you choose for yourself?

Look! Look! I've got a writing revelation!

I love traveling but I have not traveled much. A dragon flying tends to bring unwanted attention. Since there are not planes with dragon size seats I had to use the “look human AND sane” old trick in order to get to one. Destination: Mazunte. It’s a nearly virgin beach about an hour drive from Huatulco. My travelling companion was a real globe trekker. 

Since she had seen several marvels of the world, she didn’t look half amazed of the sights as I did. She was amazed though at how I reacted to everything I saw. I spent most of the time pointing my finger everywhere and urging her to take a picture. It was always: “Look! Look at that! Take a picture!”

She took a picture of a dolphin and I made her take a picture of a buzzard. She took a picture of a beautiful sunrise and I asked her to take a picture of a stone white of seagull droppings. Yes, our levels of amazement were different, no doubt. I thought every single thing was awesome and worth the picture, including a picture of her running with a cloud of mosquitoes around her head. (Mosquitoes are not interested in dragon’s blood, btw.)

What does anything of this have to do with writing? You may wonder. Ever since I got the idea to write a story of publishable quality, I set myself on the quest of learning everything I could about writing. During this quest, I’ve experienced the same feeling than when I travelled to Mazunte. I feel everybody knows things I’m only starting to discover.

This has happened to me:

“Look! Look at this! Characterization, isn’t that a wonder?”

“Hum, I’ve seen that before.”

Also this:

“Geez, didn’t think dialogue tags were so bad!”

“Oh, don’t worry too much about it.” And “Yes, it’s huge, worry about it, A LOT!” (At the same time from different people.)

Honestly, the more I learn the more I am aware of the whole bunch I still ignore. Some writer’s maxims seem like inside jokes to me. Everyone seems to get it except for me.

“Write what you know.” – Well, if I write only about what I know I wouldn’t be writing a story about Indians and secrets societies.

“Writers lie to tell the truth” – Say what?

“Writing is an act of courage” – Oh, you bet! But something tells me this is not referring to the way I’m getting it.

Some light came from Jeff Hargett and his Sunday Surfing (which I HIGHLY recommend for anyone who, like me, is trying to figure out an unknown business in a foreign language). He posted a link to free on-line courses and there I found this Short Story Course at the MIT.

The truth is you really have to be Sherlock Holmes and have some average knowledge on the matter to fully understand the Lecture Notes without the teacher. For a novice like me, some things made very little sense. However, I found some important revelations as the explanations to the “inside jokes”. I share them with you aware I might be pointing out at the white rock covered in seagull droppings, but it still amazes me as if it were the sunrise.

“Write what you know” is one of the great maxims of the field, but we have to define what that really means.  You cannot limit yourself to writing ONLY about characters just like you. 

(Otherwise, you could only write your own gender, age range, ethnicity, and this would be rather limiting.)

So what does it mean to know, and what do you know?

- physical truth

(This is what you know from physical experience—how a place looks, smells, what scratchy wool or zero degrees feels like on your skin)

- emotional truth

(This is the central truth for a writer, the emotional reality of the “now” moment which the reader MUST accept.  If the reader does not believe that moment of revelation/change, then the reader will not accept any part of the story.)

Writers lie to tell the truth – emotional truth lies in the cloak of fiction.

Fiction, that is, the act of embedding emotional truth in situation that never happened, is the way we find the courage to reveal that truth.

Writing is an act of courage.

 It takes courage to express emotional truth.  It means that you have to know yourself and be willing to put the depths of emotional reality out there where anyone can read it.  Fiction is what keeps us safe, what lets us express and the audience experience that truth.

Psychologists say that people have experienced the full range of emotion by the age of six. 

You must trust your own emotional experience and believe that you have adequate understanding and memory in order to have something to say.  

You need the courage first to be honest about your own emotional reality/experience, and then to express it.  Honesty is hard because every character we write comes from us, the villains as well as the heroes.  And we owe the villains as much as we owe the heroes, we must respect and understand their humanity, their motivations, and their desires.  Which means that we have to be honest about our own less-than-admirable desires, actions, etc.

 "Look, look! Now I feel a bit more "In" than before. That's amazingly encouraging, isn't it?"