Dragon on a Mission: the very secret diaries

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Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Very Secret Diaries

I came across The Very Secret Diaries of Cassandra Claire many years ago and I really thought she was brilliant. They made me laugh a lot. It was really a pity she didn't continue her wonderful work and stopped the diaries beginning the Two Towers. I think she was really fun and creative. Now to celebrate the premier of The Hobbit, and to cheer up some low spirits, let's remember Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries of The Lord of the Rings.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS

Day One:

Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave

me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful.

Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured

it has something to do with Elf medicine.

Day Three

Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move.

Day Four

Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount

Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the

ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought.

Day Six:

Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt.

He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call.

Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow.

Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too.

It must truly be an object of awesome power.

Day Eleven:

Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat

not just for show.

Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just very peculiar.

Day 24 :

Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me

and pinch me as he has been doing lately.

Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go.

Day 27 :

Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she

kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo

Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my

extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of

breeches shortage in Lothlorien.

Day 30 :

Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a

group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not

affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other

parts.

Pippin does remember we're cousins, right?

Right?

Day 33 :

Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure

he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite

huge.

Day 36 :

Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those

platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at.

Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying the

idea of shagging Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah,

well, he never would have liked me anyway.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

Day One:

Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be

all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

Did I say that out loud?

Day Three:

Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told

me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took

clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another

bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four:

Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

Day Five:

Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.

Gandalf no fun at all.

*sulk*

Day Six:

Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his

fingers are all wrinkled.

Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven:

Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr.

Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

Day Eight:

Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship very dodgy if you ask me.

Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt

Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small

men in shorts.

Day Nine:

Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him

if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

Very dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every

time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about

pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit

from Shire not versed in wordly ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

Ick.

Day Fifteen:

Lothlorien very pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo

left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would

make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.

Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two:

Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.

Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as

have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with

Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three:

Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course

(hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to

take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a

big fib don't we.

Day Twenty-Four:

Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.

Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as

seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed

and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the

Dark Lord's realm.

We will see about that.

THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN

Day One:

Ringwraiths killed: 4. Very good.

Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it.

Still not King.

Day Four:

Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying.

Not King yet.

Day Six:

Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly.

Yes!

Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back.

Still not King.

Day Ten:

Sorry no entries lately. Very dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog.

Not King today either.

Day Eleven:

Orcs killed: 7. Very good. Stubble update: Looking mangy.

Legolas may be hotter than me.

I wonder if he would like me if I was King?

Day 28:

Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a

move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off.

Still not King.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench.

Nice chat with Boromir. He’s not so bad.

Took a shower. Yay!

But still not King.

Day 32:

Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy.

Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind.

I think Legolas might be kinda gay.

Nope, not King.

Day 33:

Orcs killed: Countless thousands. Very good.

Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now

quite sure that he was very definitely gay.

Not so sure about Gimli either.

RIP Boromir.

Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however

have been blood loss.

Day 34:

Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why?

My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me?

Not so sure about me either.

Still not King, goddammit.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF LEGOLAS

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some

tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important

mission - gold ring so tacky.

Day Four:

Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the

time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted

we climb back down.

Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me!

Day Six:

Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am

developing a tangle.

Orcs so silly.

Still the prettiest.

Day Ten:

Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on

my nose. very serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years

or more.

Still prettiest, despite blasted spot.

Day Eleven:

In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me.

Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at

least 1,000 years ago. Silly bint. She was most annoyed that I used her

mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath.

I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand

of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now?

Still prettiest by far.

Day 30:

All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion.

Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill

him if he tries anything.

Still the prettiest.

Day 33 :

Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already

have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite.

Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey"

who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper

elf vision so can run away if I see her coming.

Day 35:

Boromir dead. Very messy death, most uncessesary. Did get kissed by Aragorn

as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get

any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it.

Am feeling a pout coming on.

Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other,

rather cute really.

Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. He is waist height, so can see

advantages there, but chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee

dark times ahead, very dark times.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF BOROMIR OF GONDOR

Day One:

Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He

thinks he's so great because he's shagging that bit of elf crumpet on the

side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles,

an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that....what? Got

distracted there for a bit.

Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by

Aragorn's enormous...rudeness.

Ooops.

Day Three

Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship.

Day Four

Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it

back. Arrogant bastard. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved

right up his...

Stupid Ring.

Day Four:

Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo.

Ha Ha! Ha!

Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Six:

Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo."

"Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut

off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring."

Blatant favoritism most annoying.

Day Ten:

Why isn't Aragorn into me

Day Eleven:

Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria.

Kind of liked it, actually.

Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir.

Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things,

too...

In other news, Gandalf died.

Day 30:

In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to

my rugged yet unwashed manliness.

Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy

git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose.

Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time

he did not mean with each other.

Stupid Aragorn.

Day 33 :

Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it.

Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it.

Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little

cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.)

Aragorn would be jealous. Ha!

Day 35:

Killed by orcs.

Stupid orcs.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY

Day One:

In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was

Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?

Day Two:

Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed.

Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either.

Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.

Day Three:

Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

Day Twelve:

Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells

me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably

stealing paper out of my inbox again.

Day Thirteen :

Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for

pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

Day Fourteen :

Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

Day Sixteen :

Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for

giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I

might have figured out he was evil before.

Day Nineteen :

Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo

baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.

Day Twenty :

Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get

into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go

with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.

Day Twenty-One:

Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked

Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious."

Useless git.

Day Twenty-Three :

Very cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo

up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of

the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.

Day Twenty-Five :

Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry

about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

Day Twenty-Six:

In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

Day Twenty-Seven:

Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable

things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell

the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge

battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns

in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does,

will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SARUMAN THE WHITE

DAY ONE

Am bored. No cable in Isengard. Nothing to do but write rude anonymous

letters to Radagast the Brown and Manfred the Slightly Ecru.

Perhaps will have a look at the palantir.

DAY TWO

Have met very nice guy via palantir. He seems to really like me for me and not

just because am most powerful wizard in Middle Earth. Wonder what he looks

like.

DAY THREE

Am becoming disenchanted with palantir guy. Refuses to send me photo, except

of one very large eyeball. Says he is shy but I rather suspect he is fat, or

perhaps hairy. Have heard some very bad stories about palantir relationships.

Should probably cool it for a while.

DAY SEVEN

Well, wouldn't you know, palantir guy turned out to be Dark Lord of Mordor.

Just my luck. Could have been worse, I guess. Sauron not fat or hairy, just

disembodied force of evil. Must go now, have to raise massive demon army to

scourge the earth. Also, have manicure appointment. Is no easy task keeping

nails pointy.

DAY NINE

Typical. Gandalf just came waltzing by and he knows I hate drop-ins. Wanted

to yap on and on all about the ring he gave his new boyfriend, terrible

pervy hobbit-fancier old Gandalf is. Disgrace to the Order. Just wants to

show off and remind me that he's got a hobbit, and I'm just dating an

eyeball. Well, Saruman the White does not stand for this treatment. Showed

him my Wizard Wrestling Federation moves. Have delivered smackdown. Go me.

DAY THIRTEEN

Am tired of climbing up and down eight million stairs just to taunt Gandalf.

Should have imprisoned him in easy-access dungeon where could taunt more

effectively, and would not have to wait until after breakfast.

DAY FOURTEEN

All right, who's been spitting gum down on the orcs? Honestly.

DAY FIFTEEN

Was right in middle of really good taunt and Gandalf escaped. Ah well. Will

save me daily stair climb.

DAY SIXTEEN

Have been watching in palantir. Gandalf faffed off on extending camping trip

with four hobbits, a very buff elf, and rather fanciable human -- oh bother,

that's Aragorn, son of Arathorn. Once threw him out of Isengard for whining

about not being King yet. Then there's a shady-looking character and some

kind of hairy newt. Or maybe it's a dwarf.

What a bunch of yobbos.

DAY TWENTY

Have crossed orcs with goblin men in caverns below Isengard. Very tedious

experience as orcs and goblin men most reluctant to breed, even with dinner

and flowers. Next time will try something easier, such as breeding goblins

and cheerleaders to create super-perky army that can travel by day and will

not complain about pink uniforms.

DAY TWENTY-TWO

Did not know when decided to make demon army for Sauron that would be so

darn messy. Curse my decision to be Saruman the White. Should have decided

to be Saruman the Muddy Brown, or Saruman the Faintly Greenish. White just

shows all the slime.

DAY TWENTY-FOUR

If keep watching in palantir, perhaps will see Gandalf do pointy hat trick?

DAY TWENTY-FIVE

Gandalf did pointy hat trick! Ringbearer very impressed. Aragorn obviously

fancies trousers off the Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

DAY TWENTY-FIVE

Hairy newt is most definitely dwarf. Caught him playing hide-the-helmet with

one of the hobbits. Other human seems to be Boromir of Gondor. Am I only one

who has long wanted to ride to Minas Tirith and tell Steward that "Gondor"

sounds just like "gonad" and they should find less silly name? Perhaps it is

just me.

DAY TWENTY-EIGHT

Uruk-hai nearly ready to go. Watched Fellowship a bit today. Boromir

convinced smallest hobbit to "Blow the Horn of Gondor." Have not laughed so

hard since set Balrog up with Gandalf during Second Age and Gandalf stuck

Balrog with restaurant bill. Palantir great. Better than cable.

THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAURON

Day One:

Dirty weekend with Elrond turned sour when I told him purple was not his

color.

Day Five

Have been marched against by last alliance of men and nancing elves. Is

transparent attempt by Elrond to get back at me for comment about purple. I

will not take it back! I told him purple made him look like an eggplant, and

it does. Is no need for him to get so shirty about it.

Day Six

Is not that being defeated by last alliance is so bad, is not even that

being reduced to a disembodied eyeball is so bad, although Visine would be a

comfort. But whose bright idea was it to slice onions in here?

-later-

Blast those orcs and their fondness for onion dip. Have taken their disco

ball away. God, it's fun to be evil.

Day Three Million Five:

Am bored. Have been waiting for Middle-Earthlink guy to come and install DSL

in Barad-Dur since second-age. Will use palantir as alternative to personal

ads, as am lonely.

Day Three Million Seven:

I spy with my big-huge-nasty-flaming eye...something resembling a novelty

dashboard ornament. Witch King of Angmar tells me it's a hobbit. Is rather

cute. On the smallish side, but I'm hardly one to talk appearances these

days.

Day Three Million Nine:

ARGH! That tiny bloke has MY RING!

later..

Have sent the nine to fetch ring back. If nine succeeds in sorting their

elbows from asshats, that is.

Day Three Million Eleven:

Have met very nice bloke over the palantir. An older gent, seems to have

copied hairstyle from Galadriel, but no matter. He likes me for me. Finally

someone to see past the eyeball. Will send him packet of glittery barrettes.

Day Three Million Thirteen:

Tried to ask Saruman over for dinner, but lost nerve at last moment and said

some idiotic thing about building an army instead. Is somewhat amusing

watching him play violin for orcs and goblin men in attempt to spark

romance, so will not clear up confusion just yet.

Day Three Million Sixteen:

Wonder if Saruman becoming somewhat deaf? Told him I was hoping we could

delineate boundaries of relationship, instead he defoliated Isengard.

Day Three Million Twenty:

Some bearded tart with pointy hat trying to horn in on my action. Hmmm.

Ex-boyfriend?

Think Saruman may have put him in guest bedroom. Will have to ask Saruman to

clarify.

Day Three Million Twenty-One:

Elrond having another of his disastrous parties. Why was not invited?

Just because have no body and cannot play twister with Legolas is no reason

to snub me.

Day Three Million Twenty-Two:

Have been watching Fellowship through palantir. Ringbearer really very pretty,

I must admit, with big soulful eyes and little hairy feet. What I wouldn't

give for a body and a shower-cap right now. Although bath-obsessed hobbit

companion would probably kill me if I tried anything.

Day Three Million Twenty-Three:

Bored bored bored, so caught up on palantir-watching today. Lovely place,

Moria, used to vacation there. Pointy-hatted ex-bf seemed nervous; sent word

to Bob to keep an eye out. I mean a look out. I mean... oh bugger.

Day Three Million Twenty-Four:

No word back from Bob. Suspect he is moping. Never could sort out his love

life. Always whining and writing in his journal. Bloody sensitive demon

types, no use at all.

Day Three Million Twenty-Five:

Pointy hatted ex fell into shadow. Down with the competition! Ringbearer

moping. Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn might like to have a go at cheering

him up. Apparently something of a pervy hobbit-fancier. So that?s why the

blood of Numenor died out.

Day Three Million Twenty-Six:

Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel. It's always

about HER. Paint my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my hair, Sauron. I want a

pretty ring, Sauron. Then she goes off with slabbish oaf Celeborn. Bet HE

cannot forge twenty rings of Power.

Suspect bitch-slap fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas as to which

of them can nance around better while holding water pitcher. Cannot help but

roll my eye over this. Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and watch

the fireworks.

later...

Well, would you look at that dwarf getting it on with Celeborn. I tell you,

three Million years on Middle-Earth and some things still surprise me.

Day Three Million Twenty-Nine:

Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed : four hundred, very bad. Humans

killed : one. Go Uruk-Hai!

Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?

Maybe is just me.

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Saturday, December 15, 2012