Saturday, December 15, 2012


Day 1

Just opened Christmas pressie from Sauron. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty

Day 1,000,967

Got box of chocolates as Christmas bonus from Dark Lord, again. As per
usual, Sauron ate all the toffees and left the strawberry creams. How I
detest this life of vile servitude.

Still disembodied.

Day 1,001,056

Very bored in Barad-Dur. Nothing to do but play Scrabble with Orcs. Is very
annoying as Orcs only know Black Speech of Mordor. You try spelling Azg Nazg
Gimbatul for a triple word score. Yeah, I didn't think so.

Day 1,001,102

Suspect Sauron gearing up for something. Walked in on him applying
ceremonial sparkly mascara. Suspect he will be very happy when he has body
back and can really dress up again.

Day 1,001,105
Yes, Sauron definitely gearing up for something. Have been given orders to
sally forth and hunt down hobbit and close personal hobbit friend, who have
somehow gotten hold of Ruling Ring.
Witch-King of Angmar's suggestion to place pictures of Ruling Ring on milk
cartons and wait for calls to come in was ignored.

Day 1,001,106

Have been given brand spanking new horse.
Not for spanking, of course.
Go me!
On minus side, still disembodied.

Day 1,001,107

Very close to nabbing Ringbearer tonight, but head Nazgul suffered attack of
giggles while observing excessive cuddliness of Ringbearer and his three

Suspect Gandalf chose Ringbearer on account of big blue eyes and pouty lower
lip, rather than possession of heroic-type fortitude.

Will catch up with pretty-boy Hobbit and harem of pint-sized boyfriends in
Bree. very much looking forward to post-slaughter booze-up.

Day 1,001,109

Drat that Aragorn. Drat Isildur and all his Heirs. Generations of pervy
Hobbit-fanciers, of no use to anyone. Son of Arathorn has Hobbit-napped the
Ringbearer. To combat disappointment at failure to achieve goals set by
Sauron, spent all night boozing it up in Bree. Breelanders very informative.
Drinks: 10 Mai Tais (then impaled innkeeper on swizzle stick)
Killed: 17 human men. Go us!

Day 1,001,115

Have been following Isildur's heir and pack of Hobbits for six days.
Aragorn obviously into Ringbearer. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day 1,001,116

Got slightly over-frisky with Ringbearer at Weathertop. Aragorn went all
wonky and possessive and set me on fire. And indeed, Sam did try to kill me
although did not notice had been hit in knees with frying pan until later

Day 1,001,119

Met she-elf girlfriend of Isildur's Heir today. Was so busy laughing at
concept of Aragorn, the Hobbit Fancier, having girlfriend that
inconveniently got washed away in stream.
Horse dead, armor all rusted. Must return to Mordor for oiling.
No, not that kind of oiling.
Rather a pervy wraith-fancier, aren't you?

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