THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF GANDALF THE GREY

Day One:

In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was

Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?

Day Two:

Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed.

Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either.

Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.

Day Three:

Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

Day Twelve:

Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells

me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably

stealing paper out of my inbox again.

Day Thirteen :

Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for

pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

Day Fourteen :

Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

Day Sixteen :

Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for

giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I

might have figured out he was evil before.

Day Nineteen :

Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo

baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.

Day Twenty :

Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get

into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go

with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.

Day Twenty-One:

Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked

Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious."

Useless git.

Day Twenty-Three :

Very cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo

up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of

the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.

Day Twenty-Five :

Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry

about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

Day Twenty-Six:

In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

Day Twenty-Seven:

Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable

things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell

the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge

battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns

in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does,

will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!