Saturday, December 15, 2012


Day One:

In Shire. Stunning vista of innocent and pastoral beauty. Is it me, or was
Frodo just hanging around in that field masturbating before I came along?

Day Two:

Bilbo's Birthday party improved by substantial amount of hobbit weed.
Everyone sho nice. Bilbo nice too. Lights sho pretty. Frodo not bad either.
Hobbits sho cuddly. Whups. Fellover.

Day Three:

Massive fecking hangover. Off to Minas Tirith for some aspirin.

Day Twelve:

Went to Saruman for advice about Ring but he had become evil. Nobody tells
me anything. Apparently there was a memo. Radagast the Brown probably
stealing paper out of my inbox again.

Day Thirteen :

Stuck on top of tower. Great view, but constant pelting sleet not good for
pointy hat. Am amusing self by spitting gum down on the Orcs.

Day Fourteen :

Visited again by Saruman who tried to grab a feel. As if!

Day Sixteen :

Am lonely. Saruman maybe not so unattractive after all. If only were not for
giantly flaring nostrils and huge clawlike fingernails...okay you'd think I
might have figured out he was evil before.

Day Nineteen :

Escaped. Am in Rivendell. Sam slightly out of control. Keeps giving Frodo
baths. Elves all out of strawberry-scented soap now. Elrond getting annoyed.

Day Twenty :

Elrond has decided to send Frodo away as is tired of never being able to get
into the first-floor bathroom. Big folderol about Ring. Have agreed to go
with Fellowship in case Sam might decide to give ME a bath. Could use one.

Day Twenty-One:

Aragorn obviously into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Asked
Sam to give me a bath. He said, "Ha ha, Mister Gandalf, you're not serious."
Useless git.

Day Twenty-Three :

Very cold on top of Caradhras. Aragorn won fight about who got to carry Frodo
up the mountain. Boromir sulking. If Legolas keeps nancing about on top of
the snow, may have to hit him with my staff.

Day Twenty-Five :

Do not want to go through Mines of Moria, as suspect Balrog still angry
about bad date we went on back in Second Age.

Day Twenty-Six:

In Mines of Moria. Yep, Balrog still angry.

Day Twenty-Seven:

Fell into shadow. Balrog such a prat. Had to do some quite unspeakable
things before he would let me leave the caverns. Have decided not to tell
the rest of Fellowship. Will make up story about having engaged in huge
battle instead. Off to see Elrond to get quite unpleasant third degree burns
in embarassing places treated. Hope Elrond does not laugh at me. If he does,
will tell everyone about his dirty weekend with Sauron. Ha!

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