Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute
Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in
ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc
if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.
New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but
then again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off
ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new
makeover with Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I
will look fresh and youthful.
Is that a grey hair?
New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead
resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.
Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite
smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told
her - pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.
Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on
my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. "I want a party. I want a pony." Have
banished him from Rohan for whining.
Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is
so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much
needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.
Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own.
Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima
Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked
bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven
tramp. Obviously, need better screening process.
Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn "No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz" Son of Arathorn fell
over cliff, thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King
Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.
Day Eleven, Later
Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all.
Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of
men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side
door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not
getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault anyway.
Am not sure how, but it is.
Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my
Day Thirteen, Later
Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.
Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and
still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect
is so he would be most attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama
Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing
fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter gets to snog
Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?