DAY ONE
Grr. Argh.
DAY TWO
Faffing about in Rivendell with stuck-up elves very bad for my digestion. Have
asked Elrond to move me to second floor as cannot get into bathroom here
without being subjected to sight of hobbits bathing amongst scented candles.
Is ridiculous. Got splashed with strawberry bath foam yesterday. On plus
side, beard now silky and conditioned.
DAY THREE
Elrond refuses to move my room. Walked in on hobbits again this morning.
What WERE they doing with that carrot? Inbred bunch of halfwits, no wonder
they can?t even grow decent beards.
DAY SEVEN
Suspect Aragorn son of Arathorn of being pervy hobbit-fancier. Completely
ignoring hottie elf fianc?e in favor of barging about with hairy-footed
gnomes in leather breeches. Fortunately I, Gimli son of Gloin, am here to
take care of her loneliness.
Later.
Elf women just the right height to keep my ears warm. Go me!
DAY NINE
Have agreed to go on Quest. Arwen getting awfully grabby. Gimli son of Gloin
will not be tied down. Would rather spend time with touchy-feely hobbits and
poncy elves than hang about Rivendell taking about ?our relationship.?
DAY THIRTEEN
V. cold on top of Caradhras. Big fight over who got to carry hobbits up the
mountain. Did not participate as was busy showing Legolas how to get hair
braided just right. Fight ended when Aragorn picked up Ringbearer and
stuffed him in his trousers. That?s right, Isildur?s Heir. Suffocate the
Ringbearer. Honestly, these people.
DAY FOURTEEN
In Mines of Moria. May have made slight miscalculation, as it seems that
cousin Balin has been dead for at least sixty years. Suppose it should have
occurred to me that has been a while since last got Christmas card from the
Moria folks. Still, cannot be expected to keep track of everything.
DAY FIFTEEN
Gandalf fell into shadow. Hobbits used as excuse to have teary cuddlefest on
rocks. Suffered manly embrace from Boromir, although he kept jabbing Horn of
Gondor into my solar plexus. At least, hope that was the Horn of Gondor.
Does not bear thinking about if not.
DAY SIXTEEN
Legolas told me Aragorn is way into Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries
anything. Suggested to Legolas that we might want a leader who is less of a
lech. Legolas then asked if I wanted to take a bath with him. Beginning to
suspect that all that Elvish poetry about the glory of warrior-bonds between
men just big cover-up for illicit spanking games.
DAY TWENTY
In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite the babe. While hobbits off power cuddling
and Boromir chasing Aragorn, had time to show her a few dwarf tricks.
Nothing fancy, just a bit of Hide the Helmet and Delving In The Mines. V.
satisfactory for everyone, except possibly Celeborn. On second thought,
maybe that was Celeborn. Cannot much tell difference with elves.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Left Lothlorien. Have been paddling in boats for days. Am getting very lonely.
Hobbits looking not so bad. Rather cute in fact, despite mullet haircuts.
Cannot get near Frodo without getting bitten on kneecaps by Sam, and Pippin
dating Boromir, so will see if perhaps Merry wants to take a nice moonlit
stroll tonight. Hurrah for warrior-bonds between men.
No comments:
Post a Comment