Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Very Secret Diary of Elrond

Day 1:

Bad breakup with Isildur. As if the pervy

hobbit-fancying wasn't bad enough, he would insist on wearing tacky gold
jewelry against my advice. Confirms my suspicions that humans not just
weakest race of Middle-Earth, but also cannot accessorize worth a damn.

NB: Big battle, we won, Sauron defeated. Plundered

Barad-dur but notable lack of pretty things to take
home. Sauron's decorating tastes definitely running
towards black, knobbly, tattered look. So not me.

Day 3:

Isildur set upon by orcs and killed. Told him his poor

dress sense would attract all the wrong sorts.

Day 2,0045:

So bored in Rivendell. Have decided to hold council

meeting and name it after myself. Will invite all
eligible males of Middle-Earth who have nothing better
to do on a weekend to come. Go me!

Hope Legolas does not attend; still remember party in

Second Age where he disappeared mysteriously, along
with two gallons of my favorite strawberry bath suds,
a bottle of olive oil, and three of those tiny
hobbit creatures from the Shire Isildur was so
strangely fond of.

Day 200048:

Drat. Legolas first one to RSVP to my party

invitation. Wish he would not use scented pink
stationary as makes me sneeze. Did however offer to
bring game of Twister to play. Along with disco ball I
borrowed from Sauron back in First Age, should make
for quite the party.

Day 200050:

Unexpected surprise as Gandalf stopped by, apparently

just to have a whinge about big fight he had with
Saruman. Tuned him out -- do I look like an Agony
Aunt? Why does everyone come to me with problems?

Day 200051:

Gandalf does not like Twister idea and has rejected my

suggestion of a polka music theme for the Council.
Instead insists we sit around and talk about boring
old fate of Middle Earth, defeat of ultimate evil,
blah blah blah. Don't see why we all have to suffer
just because Isildur couldn't give up his jewelry habit.

Day 200059:

Gandalf made me return disco ball to Sauron. Told me

to sort out my priorities. He should talk -- he's the
one who attracted a crowd this afternoon with that
pointy hat trick he likes to do. Glorfindel so
horrified by pointy hat trick he would not stop
sobbing spasmodically until was calmed by liberal
application of hobbit weed. New generation of elves
such wimps.

Day 200061:

Everyone finally arrived for party -- oh wait, I mean

boring-ass Secret Council Meeting. Ponced off myself
to have a sulk, and bumped into smallest hobbit
hanging about the greensward. Took him for inanimate
lawn ornament at first, but soon was furnished with
proof that he was very much alive. Says his name is
Pippin. Perhaps Isildur was onto something with all
those hobbits after all.

Day 200068:

All right, who's been using all my strawberry bath

Certainly wasn't Aragorn, judging by the state of
*his* hair.

Day 200071:

Loud giggly splashy noises emanating from first floor

bathroom. No one can get in. Legolas practicing his
nancing in the meeting hall, Boromir hanging about the
shards of Narsil, obviously hoping Aragorn will show
up, and Gandalf still breaking in new pointy hat.
Tried to have a quiet think in the garden only to
discover someone had dug up all the carrots. Is there
no peace to be had?

Day 200072:

Refused to let Arwen attend Council of Elrond, as if

she does, she will certainly notice I have borrowed
her tiara.
Tiara looks better on me anyway.

Day 200075:

Council very boring. Got to say "DOOM" a few times in

v. dramatic voice but am afraid Ringbearer
was not impressed as was busy fending off advances of
Aragorn, who was making all sorts of suggestive sword
comments. He better watch it. Sam will kill him if he
tries anything.

Tried to cheer self up by trying on favorite purple

dress of Arwen's, but am fairly sure someone was
watching as could hear tittering noise coming from
broom closet. Do not see what is so funny -- purple
dress looks fabulous on me.

Day 200076:

Fellowship leaving tomorrow. Decided to give Pippin

goodbye tour of Rivendell. In process, purple dress
got all stretched out of shape. Hope Arwen does not
notice -- she gets so grabby about her things, and
since they've closed the Gap of Rohan, probably no way
to get another dress like it.

Pippin told me purple is so my color. Go me!

No comments:

Post a Comment