Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Secret Diary of Gollum

Day One

Popped over to attend Pervy Hobbit Fanciers Anonymous Meeting in Misty
Mountains only to discover was booby trap set by Sauron.
Stupid Sauron.

Day Five

Held captive by orcs in Barad-Dur. Have been forced to watch "Flipper" over
and over until give in and tell them where Ring is. Damn evil methods of
torture refined over millennia. Will not give in. Will remain strong.

Day Six

Orcs have switched to repeat viewings of "The Faculty." Cannot cope. Have
told them where Ring is.

Day Eight

Escaped from Mordor. Have made way to Shire. Am very disappointed that in last
few weeks no one has responded to personal ad placed in Shire Weekly.
Toothless, fetid greenish creature ISO blue-eyed curly-headed hobbit. Must
enjoy squatting in darkness, jewelry-fondling, and referring to self in
third person. No smokers.

Day Ten

Finally caught up with Ringbearer in Rivendell, but cannot get near him as
is constantly being half-drowned in bathtub by burly companion type, and
have developed fear of water since being forced to watch dolphin movie 300
Ugh. Strawberries. Hate strawberries.

Day Eleven

Attempt to infiltrate Council of Elrond in lawn ornament disguise
unsuccessful. Was stashed in storage closet by annoying Glorfindel, where
was trapped for hours while Elrond tried on all Arwen's dresses in front of
mirror, while muttering something about Legolas not being the prettiest
after all. Miss days of yore, when men were men and dwarves were dwarves,
and elves wore trousers. Although something to be said for Legolas'
boots-and-skirt ensemble.

Day Thirteen

Left Rivendell, following Fellowship. Sent Elrond anonymous letter telling
him purple does not suit his complexion. Expect to hear screams of rage all
the way to Gap of Rohan.

Day Fifteen

Cannot believe men still using hoary old "Blow the Horn of Gondor" pickup
line. Remember when original plans to have Xylophone of Gondor scrapped by
Steward in favor of silly-looking horn. Now know why.
Too bad for Isildur's Heir, who has no Horn of Gondor (and hobbits have
expressed no interest in his stubble collection) since he obviously fancies
Frodo. Sam will kill him if he tries anything.

Day Thirty

Very cold on top of Caradhras. Everyone wants to carry Frodo up mountain.
Nobody wants to carry me up mountain.
Stowed away in Legolas' backpack but excessive nancing was not good for
stomach. Have been sick all over elf collection of hair care products. Hope
he does not notice.

Day Thirty One

Very Dark in Mines of Moria. Bad for ogling. Have been following sounds of
Legolas complaining loudly about state of his backpack and dank air of Moria
being bad for his skin. Gandalf stuck gum in his hair while he wasn't
looking. Rather like Gandalf. Always has gum.

Day Thirty Three

Met up with Balrog in nattily decorated subterranean bachelor pad. Balrog v.
mopey. Still carrying torch for Gandalf. Told him best course of action was
to try to talk it out, explain to Gandalf that while they are two extremely
different people, with value systems and lifestyles that are in complete
opposition to each other's, romance not ruled out. Balrog said this sounded
like meaningless New Age claptrap. Told Balrog to get out of Second Age,
start living in the now.

Day Thirty Four

Balrog-Gandalf conversation did not go as well as hoped, resulting in gory
death of both. Perhaps was not cut out to be matchmaker after all.
Lurked and observed big hobbit cuddlefest on rocks. Nobody ever wants to
cuddle me, just because am misshapen and covered in slime, so unfair. Gimli
no big looker either but gets mad schnoogles from Boromir anyway.

Day Thirty Six

In Lothlorien. Attempt to lure Indistinguishable Backup Hobbits away from
Ringbearer by placing carrots around was foiled when Legolas found carrots
and used them to make facial mask. Aragorn told him was embarrassed to be
seen with him while face covered in carrot mulch. Legolas complained he is
not getting any younger. Aragorn pointed out he wasn't exactly getting any
older, either.

Day Thirty Nine

Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to stalk Ringbearer in Mordor.
Perhaps after bite off his finger and steal Ring, he might not mind having
dinner with me. Will just have to figure out how to get around Sam first.

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