THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF SAMWISE GAMGEE

Day One:

Frodo stabbed by Morgul blade. Oh no! Pippin cried. Told Pippin it would be

all right as Mr. Frodo far too hot to die.

Did I say that out loud?

Day Three:

Have followed Mr. Frodo to Rivendell where Elves will heal him. Gandalf told

me to help poor unconscious Mr. Frodo get out of dirty clothes. So took

clothes off him and gave him a bath. And another one. Then gave him another

bath. Gandalf came and told me six baths was quite enough, Samwise Gamgee.

Poncy old git probably hasn't taken a bath since the Second Age.

Day Four:

Wonder if it is time for Mr. Frodo to have another bath yet.

Day Five:

Elf bubble bath v. colorful and pretty.

Gandalf no fun at all.

*sulk*

Day Six:

Mr. Frodo awake! Is doing well although also seems concerned as to why his

fingers are all wrinkled.

Decided not to tell him about all the baths.

Day Seven:

Snuck into Council of Elrond. Frodo offered to take Ring to Mordor. Mr.

Frodo is so brave, handsome, tall and wonderful!

Okay, so possibly isn't all that tall.

Day Eight:

Off to Mordor. Other members of Fellowship very dodgy if you ask me.

Especially Boromir. "Teaching Merry and Pippin how to sword-fight" my Aunt

Lobelia. Obviously pervy hobbit-fancier who likes to roll around with small

men in shorts.

Day Nine:

Aragorn just as pervy as Boromir. Obviously fancies Mr. Frodo. Will kill him

if he tries anything.

Day Ten:

Very dark in Mines of Moria. Used flat edge of sword to whack Aragorn every

time he tried to pinch Mr. Frodo in the dark.

Gandalf fell into bottomless pit. Mr. Frodo said something later about

pointy wizard hat, but did not understand it as am innocent young hobbit

from Shire not versed in wordly ways.

Pippin says Legolas is shagging Gimli.

Ick.

Day Fifteen:

Lothlorien very pretty. Blonde elf lady absolutely hitting on poor Mr. Frodo

left, right and center. Pippin agrees. Told Pippin height difference would

make relationship impossible. Pippin said Mr. Frodo could stand on stilts.

Hate Pippin.

Day Twenty-Two:

Leaving Lothlorien. Bye-bye grabby elf lady.

Not sure where going exactly, but is obviously somewhere water-related, as

have been given boats. Do not care really as long as get to share boat with

Mr. Frodo.

Day Twenty-Three:

Boromir finally acted on pent-up lust for Mr. Frodo. Got shot down of course

(hurrah!) but not before made spectacle of himself. Claims was trying to

take Ring so as to rule world and bring down evil, but we all know that's a

big fib don't we.

Day Twenty-Four:

Boromir killed by orcs. Knew orcs good for something.

Frodo off to Mordor. Taking me along, hurrah! Mr. Frodo needs cheering up as

seems inexplicably sorry to say goodbye to Gimli, as well as is depressed

and claims is now sure he will die a virgin in the barren wastelands of the

Dark Lord's realm.

We will see about that.