Insecure Writer's Support Group is the brilliant idea of Alex J. Cavanugh. We post first Wednesday of each month and here writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak. Even if we start like this:
Hello, I am Father Dragon and I suffer of Busy Blogger Permanent Guilt Syndrome - BBPGS for short. I can't stand it anymore and after December, I plan to say goodbye and out-speed the ninja guy over there, who's been barricading the exit for months. Dragon is leaving the building...er, cave.
*Stops at Tassin's angry scowl.* What? Not good? *sigh* Appoint the Dwarf Taskmaster your therapist and he feels the dragon's boss already. All right, let's try again.
This may well be the most difficult post I've written so far. I've changed my mind so many times I got my dwarves dizzy. I think I shouldn't even ask and yet I feel I must. Usually when something is bothering me, I don't give explanations. I just take action. However, staying silent doesn't make the thing that annoys you disappear. Silence only makes it fester. I can certify it so I'll speak trusting you'll help me be at peace with myself.
When I started blogging a year ago, I was ill and I couldn't do much. I started my blog to do something useful with my unlimited time and my thoughts. I wanted to learn about writing and I sought to make friends. I wasn't sure if I would make any, because fire dragons' temper is always an issue when it comes to socializing. Seeking to fit in among humans, I researched and followed good advice about the blogging etiquette. I visited from 20 to 50+ blogs daily, answered every comment left in my blog and followed everybody back. I entered Bloghops, blogfests, the A to Z Challenge, and all cover reveals I would learn of.
All this proved to be extremely effective sooner than I expected. I was truly stunned and exhilarated for the wonderful people I was meeting on weekly basis. My following darted from 1 to 170 in 6.2 months, and about a third of those followers became close blogger buddies. Paw on my heart, never in my 802 years of life have I ever felt more welcomed or cherished.
I don't have books or writing career to promote. I don't see the dragon cave as a platform for anything, except making honest friends. I shared my experience with you in the hope something of what I say might prove helpful in your journey. That and my time were all I had to give and I gave it gladly. It was little compared to what I received in return. You came here and gave me inspiration, courage, support and understanding. You made me better than I was.
After reading your worries, concerns and dreams, I wanted to show you that your potential was greater than you gave it credit for. I wanted you to see that you were more powerful than you thought you were. I wanted this so badly that you compelled me to prove myself stronger, to reach for denied horizons, to flap the rusty wings and challenge the odds to show you that the impossible only exists in our head. I fought my demons and I raised from the ground. I worked my dragon ass off to defeat my fears and improve my health. I did all necessary spiritual, physical and mental adjustments to improve chronic conditions to an almost non-existent level.
Dragon's life suddenly filled with possibilities that had been fool's dreams so far. I think I'm truly alive for the first time in centuries and it's all thanks to you. In trying to help you, you helped me to change my life. I feel in your debt...and also terribly conflicted.
I'm doing better, I have a job and dreams to fulfill. Doors that had slammed on my face in the past are opening wide now for me to go for my heart's desire, my passion. I would be a fool if I don't grasp and embrace this chance with all my strength. It might as well be my last chance for I'm not young anymore and as all dreams that are worth something, this one requires hard work and devotion.
As my life quality improved, time became scarce. I couldn't visit blogs and I couldn't return visits anymore. This lack of visiting weights on me so much that's driving me nuts with guilt trips. I feel I have no right to post if I can't visit anyone anymore. As a result, my posting has dropped even when there are times I do have things to say. I agonized over the thought that I will lose all friends I've made because I don't visit anymore. There is also the thought that if I post without visiting, no one would come, or would visit with the expectation that I would return the attention, and then feel betrayed if I don't.
I could handle the 2 hours that writing a post takes me, plus the minutes of answering comments here, maybe twice a month or so. But I can't additionally spare 20 minutes to read a post and commenting, multiplied by 60+. I'm still short of time as it is and knowing where I came from, it would be folly to push the line of health.
Since I do consider your time as precious as mine, I totally understand dropping the visits to a blogger that doesn't visit you back, dragon or not. The easiest, most logical and most comfortable thing for me to do is to hug you breathless, swear my endless love and gratitude to you and take my leave. Nevertheless, I'm here, humbly asking your opinion for one powerful reason.
The path that only leads to yourself often takes you nowhere. My greatest achievement, my one big miracle didn't happen when I was thinking on myself. It happened when I was aiming on helping others. Some of you have said my blog has helped you and does you good. If I just leave, I would be selfishly thinking only on me. But I am where I am and have the chances I have also thanks to you. I still owe you. A year ago, I had my time and my thoughts to give you. Right now I only have my thoughts to give but if you'll still have them, I will give them to you along with my dragon heart.
So, what say you? Will you take what is in my power to offer at this time? Or should we say "Godspeed 'till next time"?
Either way is okay by me. If I go or I stay, I'll be at peace with you and with myself because it was from common agreement. Also, those who already won a piece of my heart, please never fear to lose it (in case you're suffering BBPGS too). Visits or no visits, dragon's friendship will remain unaltered, like this sonnet.