Failure is not fatal...

...but failure to change might be. - John Wooden.

Friday afternoon I was getting ready for lunch when pain struck me like a lightening bolt. It started on the right side of my chest and, in less than a second it spread up to my shoulder and down to my stomach. My ribs were imploding for all I knew. Each breath made the pain unbearable. I couldn't sit. I couldn't stand. A cold sweat covered my brow. I am familiar with stomach, ulcer, liver, kidney and gall bladder pain but this was different. Soon I could no longer tell where the pain started and where it ended. Five minutes later, my right arm went numb. Few seconds later, half my face was tingling. The sensation of an invisible force pulling my cheek to my right ear put real fear in this dragon's heart. Words like stroke flashed in my mind as I tried, for the life of me, to get one deep breath and not fall to my knees.

I arrived to the hospital praying to the Higher Powers this time the doctors would not leave me lying in excruciating pain for hours before anyone shows mercy and comes to check me up, like last time. Prayers worked. Fifteen minutes only and I got a doctor and somewhere to lie down. After a very brief interrogatory, the doctor gave me an accusation look. She was upset because I confessed I knew I have a condition for several years now and I knew it required surgery. Scheduled surgery is always more recommendable than emergency surgery. Additionally, my condition demands for an extremely rigid and specific diet, and I said I ate something that is equal to poison for my liver. I was calling for trouble and I had it coming. Her eyes read "stupid negligence" all over me but her scolding was just one sharp sentence. "And you said you were keeping the right diet."

 It translated to "LIAR!" in my ears. Ouch! Now my honor hurts as much as my body.  By her instructions, I got an IV in my arm. Whatever stuff they put in it had a nearly immediate effect. Pain subsided faster than I expected but not the one of my conscience. While waiting for the blood test results to determine whether emergency surgery was necessary or not, I drifted in and out a restless sleep.

This is all my fault. I thought. The doctor's words, though brief, left me extremely ashamed and feeling like kicking myself. I shouldn't be here. This should have never happened.

My Inner Judge berated me as I overheard doctors talking and patients groaning on the other side of the curtain. I have been here before. I don't want this. How come after all my  hard work last year I ended up in an hospital again?

Two years ago my health issues reached their worst point. I spent 90% of the time in bed. I had surgery due to a benign tumor but tests revealed I needed a second surgery. Yet my future didn't look any brighter even if I went through it. All the opposite. While traditional medicine fixed one thing, it kept screwing two, or more. Should I follow that path, I would end up feeding on dew and cosmic juice. I sought naturist alternatives that helped me without surgeries. I worked hard for a whole year. I exercised, I became vegetarian and a veggie juice expert. I felt healthier than ever before. And then I made the biggest and most common mistake in the world.

Once healed, I thought I could drop the hard work and still stay healthy. I wanted to be free to live a "normal" life. A life where I could do whatever I wanted without consequences. I forgot healthy people do work hard to stay healthy. I overlooked the fact that Cause-Effect is an universal law. How convenient.

Right there on a bed in the ER, the Higher Powers smacked me with an embarrassing revelation. People - and some dragons- often want everlasting effects from one single effort. I want the perfect cure that keeps me healthy forever, regardless me eating greasy virgin snacks or quit exercising. I want the perfect dream that guarantees me permanent happiness, even if I do nothing to keep it afterwards. I want to win the lottery so I devote my time in spending the money, trusting somehow it will reproduce itself. I get one motivation marathon and I expect to stay forever motivated. If it doesn't have an everlasting effect, it doesn't work. Maybe, just maybe, the one who is not working to make it everlasting is me, the dragon.

But I worked hard and it wasn't a day!! I excused myself. If there is an Inner Judge, there has to be an Inner Lawyer. I sweat and cried and bled a whole year to get healthy. I deserved a bit of a reward!

And you had it, the Judge answered, in your health. Health, happiness, peace, creativity, wealth, success... the only way to make them everlasting is by working on them every single day because the only permanent thing in this life is change.

Later, the doctor discharged me with a warning. I escaped surgery but I failed to myself. I must change to get back what I lost. I also need to remember once I have it, it will last only as long as I work to keep it, just as everything else does.

At the lack of further inner argument, I rest my case.

This post is part of the Insecure Writers' Support Group, founded by Alex J. Cavanaugh. You can find the list and join HERE. Also visit the IWSG site HERE.

Zero Problems. Is that possible?

"Life is easy. We make it complicated." He said. "I have no problems at all in my life. Not a single one."

I rolled my eyes. I rarely pay attention to this sage dragon of my clan because, well, he is also crazy. More than me. That's saying something. But I was in the search of some light for my darkness and something deep inside forced me to stay put.

"Imagine each of your problems is like a tree. You see your problems all huge, so it must be a huge tree. You have many problems so imagine a forest. Close your eyes and see this big forest of gigantic trees, like sequoias. No matter where you look, you see trees. You can't see where the forest starts or where it ends. You can barely see the top of the trees. You want to solve your problems but you have no idea where to start. And there it is, the overwhelming feeling that you're lost with problems everywhere."

I sighed. My burdened heart made the sequoia forest very easy to imagine. Yes, huge trees, an endless forest that had no end or beginning. There was no horizon or sky to fly to. No matter where I looked, there were just sequoias one after the other, giving me a sense of claustrophobia and helplessness. This angered me.

How can he say he doesn't have problems? I thought opening my eyes. I know him. I know his life and there are sequoias there too. He does have problems. He is just in denial. Why am I even listening?

"You may think I'm an arrogant or a liar when I say I don't have problems. It's not that. What you see as problems, I see them as challenges. It's different."

Something clicked within my brain. Of course is different. It's all the difference in the world. Problems intimidate me. They glare at my flaws, my ignorance, and my ineptitude. Challenges trigger a different response. They entice my pride to try harder, to overcome them, to prove I can learn, I can grow, I can be greater than them.

"Life is whatever you make of it," he said. "It being easy or difficult does not depend on your surrounding circumstances. It depends on your own perception."

I had to agree. A problem being big or small is subjective to each person's perception. I have a health problem that affects my appearance. Right now it's the least of my concerns. When I was young I wanted to die because of it. And it's the same problem. It's my perception that made it an insurmountable or insignificant problem. Understanding brought light and chased most of the darkness away.

Okay, let's make a truce and hear him out. He's on to something for once. Something I need to hear badly . "Point taken. I can do it. I can see the sequoias as challenges. Makes me feel better already, but I still don't know where to begin. There are so many..."

"It doesn't matter where you start. Choose one, anyone. The one that is bugging you the most."

"They all bug me," I grumbled. "Everything bugs me!"

"Choose one. Just one. No one can climb many trees at the same time. Try. Maybe you are one of those who need to fall on their butt several times to learn the lesson. Focus on one goal until you achieve it. Then go to the next. Achieve it and move on. Try  many at the same time, you'll burn out. The energy requirement will overwhelm you and you'll quit. Sequoias will still be there and you will remain lost."

I bet the expression on my face was like the child that is told he has to eat the vegetables or there will be no ice-cream. I could almost hear the Aaargh! All right, coming from every brain cell in my dragon head.

I left the Crazy Sage Dragon's lair preparing myself mentally for my forest. Zero problems. There are only challenges. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Only one sequoia at the time. It's all matter of perception. I think some have gone thinner... and smaller...

        ***

The Crazy Sage Dragon recommended a movie to me a while ago. It was a coincidence I caught it on TV last weekend, after our chat. There was something that echoed all the way to my soul.

"In order to understand (great knowledge), you first have to make it yours. You have to believe in it with all your heart. Then, you have to go out and try to explain it to others. It's only during this process that you will start to unveil its deepest meaning."

Dragon Hugs!

300

Alex J. Cavanaugh, founder of Insecure Writer's Support Group, asked for posts of 300 words tops since many of you are in the jolly race of the A to Z. My posts are never short but I'll be a good dragon this month. IWSG is about encouraging one another so I share with you the best 300 words I could find.

And specially for those in the A to Z,

Disclaimer: Not 300 words? Blame my word counters (a.k.a dwarves). Ordering rounds of beers while counting with their fingers harmed accuracy.

To Laugh while Crying

Somewhere I read that it's easy to mistake the social media with the therapist' office. Let's make clear I am not seeking for my friends to give me therapy. I don't want them to convince me I'm "normal", whatever that means. I am what I am, and at every moment I'm the best I can be. That's all that matters really. Where is that on people's standards? I couldn't care less. The purpose of this post is just sharing some thoughts about depression. I could have posted it for the IWSG but it will be much longer than 300 words. If you don't suffer of depression (Congratulations!) you may want to skip it. If you do at some point, then you may find this useful and worth the time spent. 

Depression is like the seasons to me. I live it periodically. I've always had. It can get so bad in my case it might be labeled as suicidal. Centuries ago, I sought death actively. Until one day I vowed to myself I would not, under any circumstance end with my life. I gave my word of honor and dragons do not give their word lightly. Nevertheless, I still think of death. Sometimes I find myself wishing badly for it. I come to feel so tired of this endless war that I long for death with heart and mind and soul. Can't help it.

Through the centuries I also learned one doesn't need to put a gun in one's mouth, (or in this dragon's case, a bazooka) or eat the poison, or jump off a cliff, or something radical like that to end with one's life. I learned that one can also commit suicide by getting oneself ill. Bad diet, bad lifestyle, unhealthy habits, all those things that shorten the life span and are deliberately done, even if slow, that's also committing suicide. It's just not so frowned upon and condemned as taking radical measures but in blunt honestly, it's suicide all the same.

Ever since I promised I would not kill myself, but learn to control whatever wrong is in my head, and make the best of life and make my best to be the best I can be, the Higher Powers have crossed my path with Masters of Life. Once I was told I had schizophrenic tendencies.
Another time I was told I had sociopath tendencies. But there was one Master of Life who saw potential in me and gave me the choice of the blue pill and the red pill (The Matrix reference). One pill would drug me and make a world for me to live "comfortable" (and enslaved to it and its side-effects.) The other is the raw truth, but if I was strong enough, if I believed in myself, I would find out I was stronger than I ever imagined. I would learn who I truly were and what's my mission here, and I would be truly free.

I am one of those who laugh the hardest when I'm the saddest. The one that hugs everybody when I am in the greatest need of hugging myself but can't ask for it. I'm one of those who stays silent when everything is yelling in rage inside or that seeks to comfort people when I'm praying to get some comfort myself. As a suicidal, I feel the wish to die but I don't act upon it. On the contrary, I actively seek for the healthiest habits.  As a dragon, I sometimes feel murderous anger but I don't act upon it. As an anti-social person, it is sometimes a triumph in itself that I have not closed this blog, my FB and Twitter accounts, let alone post often or visit others' blogs.

Individually, I can deal with people, but in crowds they unnerve me. One of the biggest reasons why I will never again participate in an A to Z Challenge. I can't stand the pressure of visiting all those who visited me. I even wished no one would visit me or to disable the comments. I like friends, I just don't like to feel forced into anything. One to one, you give what you can give, and I give what I can give. Maybe you give more and give less, if measured by others' standards, but know this. The fact that someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean he doesn't love you with all he's got. You can bet all the dragon gives (even if just a smile sometimes) is the VERY BEST he can give.

You may read the words "sociopath" and "schizophrenic"  and think you're dealing here with a potential murderer (regardless the context). An hypocrite that fakes smiles and laughter because as a matter of fact he suffers from cyclic depression. One who tells others to be strong and positive when he has confessed he wishes for death. One who gives advice but keeps none for himself. I thought that too, once. I identified myself with a certain poem called To Laugh Crying -Reir Llorando- by Juan de Dios Peza (Find it at the bottom). It speaks of an incredible successful comedian who could make anyone laugh and forget their sorrows. Yet he was the most miserable, saddest man on England. Very often, people around me cannot fathom I can -and actually suffer- any kind of serious sorrow.

The truth is I might be one of the most honorable beings on this planet, but you know, not all honorable beings are flawless, perfect, beautiful and free-of-all-demons characters. I would indeed be an hypocrite if I would be like the Garrick from the poem. If I would encourage people to be brave but my acts would not prove my words to be true. Yes, I laugh loud when I am crying bad inside,  but I don't use laughter as a mask, the carpet under which you hide the trash. I laugh with the honest intent to feel better, to remind myself life is still worth living. I encourage people when I feel like shit because the answer to my problems is nowhere but within me, and by listening to myself, my thoughts and answers become clearer.

When I am beyond talking and laughing, there's always a hug. I also think if I were not me, but one of my dear friends, what would I tell them to make them feel better, to give them hope, to make them see they are strong enough to live through this. Remind them that the darkest hour only lasts 60 minutes and no night is eternal. Whatever would come to my mind then will do the job for me, because whatever I say I truly believe in it, no matter if it's for my friend or for myself.

"Hold your guts, put them back in place and take a step forward. Just one step at the time. Don't think on fear, don't think on pain, don't think on how long is the journey or try to understand the reason why you have to go through this. Don't think about how lonely you feel or how thick the darkness that surrounds you. Just think on one step forward. One step, one inch, one push, one deep breath more. There is no greater victory or truest honor than that of the one who keeps in the right path, in spite of all odds."

So don't content yourself with just faking the smile to save face. Make the laughter worth it. Give it purpose.

To Laugh Crying

Watching Garrick – an actor from England -

the people would say applauding:
“You are the funniest one on earth
and the happiest one…”
And the comedian would laugh.

Victims of melancholy, the highest lords,
during their darkest and heaviest nights
would go see the king of actors
and change their melancholy into roars of laughter.

Once, before a famous doctor,
came a man with eyes so somber:
“I suffer – he said -, an illness so horrible
as this paleness of my face”

“Nothing holds any enchantment or attractiveness;
I don’t care about my name or my fate
I die living an eternal melancholy
and my only hope is that of death”.

- Travel and distract yourself
- I’ve traveled so much!
- Search for readings
- I’ve read so much!
- Have a woman love you
- But I am loved
- Get a title
- I was born a noble

- Might you be poor?
- I have wealth
- Do you like compliments?
- I hear so many!
- What do you have as a family?
- My sadness
- Do you go to the cemeteries?
- Often, very often.

- Of your current life, do you have witnesses?
- Yes, but I don’t let them impose their burdens;
I call the dead my friends;
I call the living my executioners.

- It leaves me – added the doctor – perplexed
your illness and I must not scare you;
Take today this advise as a prescription
only watching Garrick you can be cured.

-Garrick?
-Yes, Garrick… The most indolent
and austere society anxiously seeks him;
everyone who sees him, dies of laughter;
he has an amazing artistic grace.

- And me? Will he make me laugh?
-Ah, yes, I swear it;
he and no one but him; but… what disturbs you?
-So  – said the patient – I won’t be cured;
I am Garrick! Change my prescription.

How many are there who, tired of life,
ill with pain, dead with tedium,
make others laugh as the suicidal actor,
without finding a remedy for their illness!

Alas! How often we laugh when we cry!
Nobody trust the merriment of laughter,
because in those beings devoured by pain,
the soul groans when the face laughs!

If faith dies, if calm flees,
if our feet only step on thistles,
the tempest of the soul hurls to the face,
a sad lighting: a smile.

The carnival of the world is such a trickster,
that life is but a short masquerade;
here we learn to laugh with tears
and also to cry with laughter.

-Juan de Dios Peza (Reir Llorando)

The Never Ending Battle for Greatness

"...But somewhere along the line you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're not good. And when things got hard, you started to look for something to blame..." - Rocky Balboa

The more I meditate about life, the more I realize there is a permanent battle between my brain and my spirit. My spirit speaks of greatness and miracles and endless possibilities. My brain speaks of past wounds, fears, flaws and limitations. My spirit compels me to aim for the sky, my brain plots to chain me to the ground.  They fight over the control of my actions and I pay close attention to this war. Today, I share my findings with you.

My brain empowers people to decide not just my worth, but also my capacities and mood. "You make me angry." "They drive me crazy." "This disheartens me." Any of this sound familiar? It does to me.

One of my life teachers (who is a professional clown) once told me, "No one can make you angry. You allow them to make you angry."

Upset, I replied "It's the same shit."

"No, it is not. The first statement gives you an excuse and someone to blame. The second one makes you 100%  responsible."

I look upon myself and then I look around me. It's amazing how we've abandoned the responsibility of ourselves, our dreams, our emotions and hope to other people, to circumstances and to chance. Most of us do not take action. We react to what comes our way. We set our limits according to others' opinions and we do have many places to point fingers at when the going gets tough.

My grandfather, Father Dragon "The Great", used to say: "Just remember every time you point one finger, three fingers are pointing back at you."

"...You, me, nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't matter of how hard you can hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"- Rocky Balboa.

Did you know that in life-threatening situations, those who panic and lose hope are more likely to die? Did you know that the attitude is a critical factor for any disease to heal or get worse? But keeping a positive attitude when it seems the world is collapsing on your head is little less than impossible. On those times, I have needed every ounce of will just to achieve the next breath, let alone not getting mad or crying. It was just cover my head and hope the next blow would not knock me out cold.

"It's all over. We're so very screwed. Just drop and die!" My brain would scream.
My spirit, however, says different. "There is a reason for this and it is NOT for you to dig your own grave. Don't hide. Face it! Fight it! Win!"

In times when even thinking requires energy one doesn't have, I found useful to focus on a single thought. Just one. "I'm gonna make it." How? Don't know. When? Doesn't matter. I just KNOW I'm gonna make it through. Why? Because I'm that stubborn and determined. No night, no storm, no disaster, no winter lasts forever.

Determination alone won't give you all answers or make the pain go away or make things easier. But it is the critical factor between those who cross the ocean and those who die trying.

"Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits. And not point fingers and say you weren't what you wanted to be because of him, or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!" - Rocky Balboa.

You wouldn't believe how many times I've repeated these words to myself  in the last three months. I'm sure those who have multiple voices in their heads will understand perfectly. That would be all the writers. I have artistic, life and spiritual goals. I work on daily tasks leading to those goals. At the end of the day, I meditate on how many tasks I did and how many I missed or failed. One voice in my head immediately comes up with a long list of reasons excuses why I didn't do what I was supposed to. Another voice shuts the first one up with those words above. Cowards do that and that ain't you... Then, there is only silence as awareness is pretty much a confession and I am not shameless enough to insist. Dragon has always had a strong tendency to point fing..er, talons.

Grandmother dragon loved to say "My darling, to the bad musician even the fingernails are a problem." It's an old Mexican saying and it means when you're not willing to do something right, you will always have an excuse ready.

I've seriously wondered lately if I might be becoming too stern for my own good. I've meditated deeply about it, as I search for inner peace. There is a voice in my heart. A wise, peaceful, kind voice answering... "No. You are just becoming responsible for your actions. You're re-educating your brain and starting to believe in yourself." I really hope so.

This post is part of the IWSG, created by Alex J. Cavanaugh. We post the first Wednesday of each month. Thanks to Julie, Rachna, Ilima and Beverly, the gracious co-hosts of this month. 

Losing or being bested. Why is it important to know the difference?

Difference? What difference? The important thing is the outcome. I didn't win.

In fact there is a difference and it is important to the extent of how I handle defeat and my personal development. There will always be someone who is better and someone who is worse than me in any given arena. It is also clear that no matter how hard I try or how good I am at something, I am not all mighty. I have limits. There are things I won't be able to achieve because either I can't or I don't know how to do them. The key factor that decides whether I win or not is my limit. Who sets those limits? Are they fixed by society, by my family, by the Higher Powers or by me?

The Ravens won the Superbowl. I know. What the heck *that* has to do with this? Bear with me for a minute, I beg you. Ravens won. Final score 34-31. The 49ers lost or they were bested? I am 49er hard core fan but I think they wasted the first half of the game. They did terrible errors, gave away yards, lost the ball, etc. At the end of the first half their score was 3. During the second half they were brilliant and boosted their numbers to the final 31. It took Ravens the whole game to reach 34. It took the 49ers half game to jump from 3 to 31.  If they had been brilliant the whole game, would the outcome be different? We will never know, but my guess is yes. So my conclusion is that 49ers were not bested. They lost. They didn't win because they didn't give their best, not because their opponent was beyond their abilities and skills. Done with Superbowl example.

In my very personal opinion there is nothing wrong with being bested. As I said, there will always be someone better or more skilled than you. It's how things are. However, when you don't give your best, it is not your opponent winning over you, it's you defeating yourself. Is there any worse defeat than self-boycott?

I am one of those creatures who strive to be better every day. I am aware of my flaws and I try hard not to hide behind them to justify my defeat with the "I am not good enough" excuse. Am I really  not good enough that I didn't win? Or am I actually scared to get out of my zone of comfort? Am I boycotting myself to have an excuse to stay in this zone?

This is no easy question. More often than not the answer is deep within us, hidden in the darkest corner under other covers. It is quite a task to dig it out so we usually tend to go for the faster "I am not good enough." After all that's a pill that we are already used to take, regardless the painful it might be. Next time you face defeat, ask yourself: "Am I positive beyond doubt this is my best or is it my best within my zone of comfort?"

Not being good enough has not a way out. Fear can be changed and makes success available.

Anyway, the support I need today is specific. I am in bad need of laughter. I will appreciate if you leave me a joke, a link to a funny video, funny tale, funny pic or post. I also take single smiles for all comment! This dragon's most powerful magic works with laughter and I am running out of it.

P.S. I am still very proud the 49ers made it to the Superbowl and I am keeping that satisfaction the whole year.

This post is part of the Insecure Writer's Support Group hosted by amazing Captain Ninja Alex J. Cavanaugh. We post first Wednesday of every month and there is always room for one more!