DAY ONE
Got in trouble for setting off fireworks at party. Suspect Gandalf not
actually all that annoyed and was merely excuse to get us young hobbit boys
wet and lathered up. Became even more suspicious when washing dishes
punishment, followed by polishing Gandalf's staff punishment, and massaging
Gandalf's feet punishment and nude leapfrog in the cabbage patch
punishment, I mean, who's he trying to kid, really? Especially with the foot
thing.
DAY TWO
Very promising start to day when discovered carrot that was just right shape.
Even more promising when Pippin nabbed six cabbages, two bags potatoes, and
three ears corn, although cannot help but think Pippin being slightly
over-optimistic. I mean, could probably manage two ears corn, but not before
breakfast.
All went downhill though when bumped into Frodo and faithful bit of rough
trade, whoops, loyal manservant Sam, in cornfield. Pippin was prevented from
extended cuddle with Frodo by Sam, who in very surprising butch moment tossed
Pippin down a cliff. In ensuing scuffle carrot was broken. Am very sad.
DAY THREE
Cutting across country with Frodo, Sam and Pippin. Are being pursued by
overdressed and very crabby set of riders in outdated black ensembles. As told
Gandalf,The Gray's earlier, monochromatic look is so out. Wonder if Frodo
avoiding bad breakup or jealous exes? Have heard hobbit-swapping all the
rage up in Hobbiton currently, although would not go in for that sort of
thing myself.
DAY FIVE
Everything going from bad to worse. Stop-off in Bree resulted in pick-up of
disaffected and unshaven human who is obviously pervy hobbit-fancier, not
that anyone listens to me. Insisted we all share bed in his room instead of
going back to own perfectly nice quarters, then hung about all night most
likely hoping for mad hobbit foursome under the sheets. Didn't happen, but
did have to spend all night hanging on to Pippin's belt to prevent him from
climbing right over Sam and onto Frodo. Does Pippin have death wish, or
what?
DAY SIX
Was woken up most unpleasantly as was being tickled by hobbit-fancying
human. Told him to sod off and he said "That's not what you said last
night." After moment of confusion realized he thought I was Pippin.
Explained. Human slunk away, most embarrassed, after explaining, "I'm really
meant to be King, you know." Sure he is, and I'm the Elf Queen of Mirkwood.
DAY SEVEN
In Rivendell. Have been stuck sleeping right next to bathroom. Splashing
noises all night long and strawberry soap suds making floors all slippery.
Woke up last night only to discover Elrond had crawled into bed with me.
Extricated himself with much embarrassment after realizing hobbit he was
groping under bedsheets was not Pippin. Have decided to invest in name tag.
DAY NINE
Have fixed carrot with special elf glue. Go me!
DAY ELEVEN
Have agreed to go on Quest to keep eye on Pippin. Also curious to see what
will happen with Frodo, as Aragorn most obviously fancies him. Sam will of
course kill him if he tries anything.
Hope he tries something.
DAY FIFTEEN
Boromir teaching us how to swordfight. Typical human, most unsubtle, always
dropping sword down trousers and asking us, Little ones, to come and get it.
Boromir had a go at ruffling Frodo's hair today and Aragorn almost snicked
off his head. Humans so amusing. Caught Pippin eyeing the elf doing his
morning exercises today but managed to distract him with an eggplant. Do not
know what will do when run out of vegetables.
DAY SIXTEEN
Boromir asked me to go for walk with him. Am not falling for old "Horn of
Gondor trick" Am not. Am not. Oh, bloody hell. Just this once.
DAY NINETEEN
Am in bad mood. Boromir called me "Pippin" at most inopportune time. Pointed
out to him that I am Merry and that we have been conducting meaningful
relationship for three weeks, but he just laughed and patted my head.
Realize he actually cannot tell me apart from Pippin either. Am doomed to be
Indistinguishable Backup Hobbit forever, even in matters of romance. Am
considering dramatic haircut, perhaps mohawk of some sort.
DAY TWENTY
Got mohawk but no one can see it as is very dark in Mines of Moria. Is
difficult to keep eye on Pippin properly. Woke up to discover Legolas
sneaking under covers with me. Told him was not Pippin. Legolas said, "Not
much difference really, eh?" In ensuing scuffle broke my carrot again. Gave
to Gandalf to fix. Gandalf said, "Fool of a Took! I have better things to do
than mend your vegetables." Did not correct Gandalf, as am afraid of pointy
hat.
DAY TWENTY-TWO
Gandalf fell into shadow. Took carrot with him. Am most miffed. Did best to
comfort Pippin, but Pippin far more cheered by Legolas' nude rendition of
Silmarillion: The Musical. Could not watch myself, far too many high kicks.
DAY TWENTY-EIGHT
In Lothlorien. Was visited by no less than fifty elves and a woodchuck last
night, all convinced was Pippin. Pippin of course nowhere to be found,
probably off with Boromir. Something must be done. Woodchuck awfully
persistent. Perhaps? No, certainly not.
DAY THIRTY
Kidnapped by orcs. All according to plan. Have told Pippin will have to shag
our way out of captivity. Pippin seeming pleased. Wait till he realizes I
meant he will have to shag me to get out of captivity. In addition, orcs
have given me brand new carrot as reward for my having painted large yellow
target marks on Boromir while he was not looking. All in all a very good day.
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