Get the Strength to Keep Moving II

Do you know what success is?

For a long time I've felt I have not achieved much in life. I could make a checklist of my dreams and there was very little I could mark. I was not an acknowledged artist or a published author. I didn't have a considerable wealth or the perfect job, or the perfect home. I didn't have everlasting friends or romantic love. I've spent my life fighting ailment and odds. As a manner of comforting myself, I found that I could use my experience to help others through their troubles. Let's say I had an emotional map. I knew where were the abysses, the shores, the monsters and the dangers. I could warn travelers in the land of despair. I didn't see this as an accomplishment but a way to give meaning to all those years "wasted", to make them useful. Yet, giving a use to something was not a great success to me.

These days I've been listening and watching to a lot of motivational videos. They talk about success and most of them say it is not easy. Most of them warn you it is so hard, it hurts so much, that you can't even think straight. However, it is important to know, to ask yourself how bad do you really want to achieve whatever you seek. Mere wish is not enough. "Kind of want it" is not enough. You have to want it as bad as your next breath, if you were drowning. That bad. If you were drowning, you would not care what's on TV, you wouldn't care what's the latest update in Facebook or Twitter, you wouldn't care for parties or excuses or personal insecurities. If you were drowning, all you would think of is your next breath. That's how bad you need to want something in order to succeed in it.

When I heard this, my heart sank. I don't think I ever wanted something that bad. No art, no book, no money...except maybe health and inner peace. Realization hit me like a brick in the face. Health and inner peace. I don't have them but I have gone a long way from my starting point. A very long way. I am not doing average, compared to other people in my situation. I have accomplished things most don't even dream possible. I have stood up where others sank, giving in to illness. They complain but they don't do anything about it. While I have complained too, I always fight back. I grab from wherever I can and pull myself up. If I can't get to my feet, I move on my knees. If I can't do that, then on all fours, but I strive to move forward and up. Crying, bleeding, wrecking but moving forward.

I have experienced that exhaustion that hurts so much you can't even think straight. Those are the moments I've wanted the next inch of ground, the next step, as bad as my next breath. That's when I've cared about absolutely nothing except said inch.

I have experienced success but foolishly enough, I have not recognized it because I had the idea success was measured with money, fame, and popularity. I had this idea that an individual could only be successful in visible, tangible things that could be seen by all the world. Things like wealth, beauty, a healthy body, true love, and additionally be a creative genius. I would look upon my life and say "well, yes, I survived. Yes, I went through Hell and back but that's no big deal. The years it took me I could have spent in making money. I could have perfected my craft, or get love, or make friends, or travel. In synthesis, I could have spent those years in being successful."

Yesterday, the brick on the face was my own heart screaming "What?? Measure me up. Measure your will, measure your determination, measure you courage and your integrity. See how much they've grown from your darkest day to this day. They are the size of titans. You are not about to let anything keep you in the ground. You are not willing to surrender to any blow of life, no matter how bad, or how heartbreaking. You are not beyond biting the dust but as long as there is life in you, you will fight with teeth and claw to get back on your feet. You'll strive for an additional inch of health and inner peace. You are successful in the eyes of the Higher Powers."

So what do you know? It turns out I have not wasted my life away. After all, I did more than giving a meaning to all the years of struggle and soul wrecking pain. I am more than the victim of circumstances. I am indeed a warrior, a fighter, an indomitable heart. No matter how many times I'm in Hell, I won't stay there. I am still unstoppable.

I am aware my fight is not over but then again, let's face it. As long as there is life, the fight is never over. The only thing that changes is the goal. Once you overcome one obstacle or challenge or crisis, another will take its place. But how will you win anything at all if you never enter a fight? There's always the fear of pain but I leave you with something to ponder about.

"Like everyone else, you want to learn the way to win but never to accept the way to lose. To accept defeat, to learn to die is to be liberated from it." Bruce Lee.

So You Want to Be Successful, huh? (The link will take you directly to the video in YouTube. I couldn't get the video here but you won't regret the time you take in checking it.)

Get the Strength to Keep Moving I

My world is imploding, rebuilding and exploding. I put so much effort in finding the why's to every misfortune I experienced all my life. I have bought truths and lies the same. I have gone down the darkest paths. I have crushed my heart and I have let others crush it. I have believed in magic and I have believed in nothing. I held poison in my hands while I struggled to find a reason why not to drink it. Yes, in my darkest times, I courted death too.

One man took away all thoughts of suicide out of my mind. One relentless theater man who, on the day of my greatest tragedy, came to offer me help to end with my life once and for all. His voice was far from kind. "You choose the manner and I will do it. Stop suffering and stop making those who love you suffer too." Determination burning in his dark eyes, he then quoted a line from a song we both knew very well. "Don't let me stop your great self-destruction. Die if you want to, you misguided martyr. I wash my hands of your demolition. Die if you want to, you innocent puppet."

He knew me well. My greatest strength has also been my greatest flaw; a huge pride. My blood boiled with rage and my arrogance overrode any thought of my current misery. He ignored my fury and added, "Yes, puppet. You are throwing your life away for what others did to you. Others defined you, others fixed your value and convinced you that your life is worth shit. I'll help you to die and make it look like an accident, but know you will be dying as one of people's miserable puppets. Staying and facing this nightmare, where others have fallen already, that's true courage. Standing and finding your true value, not the one others decided, but who you truly are it's up to you. Die now and you're making all those you hate right. I thought better of you but if that's what you want...die as the trash you feel right now."

The fire that exploded inside me was like none I've felt before. There was always time to die but I could not go before proving to myself and the world my true value. My life had a price and I was going to fix it. So I vowed to myself no matter how dark, how hard, how hopeless the darkness I walk, I would not die until I had proved to myself and to the world my true worth.

From that day, my path has been all uphill. I've had my victories but new obstacles always arise, bigger than those I left behind. Sometimes I seek for others' support, but as mysterious and enigmatic as dragons are, 99% of the time I must find ways to provide myself with said strength. I am needing it now. My victories are threatening to escape my grasp, my body is faltering, my mind is clouding.

This post was meant to let you know of an indefinite Leave of Absence, at least until I could breathe with ease again. However, I know there are friends who need some motivation too, so I'm sharing my search with those who have the wish, time and will to check for inspiration to face your own challenges. The videos are basically for me but I'll be thrilled if they prove useful for you too, so be welcome.

I also ask your understanding if I suck at being social for a few days. The dragon loves you dearly, but I'm trying to hold a life-altering storm and keep a vow here. My heart thanks you for your patience.