Tuesday, June 17, 2014

This is what I want, isn't it?

I took the keys to the dragon-mobile and walked out. I should be drawing instead of attending a class to learn how to make cats. I closed the car door and walked back in again. I don't want to draw. I have no idea what to draw. Making cats relax me. Shit! I hate cats. I will do dogs instead. I walked out of the cave and to the car. I really should be drawing. Mother Dragon gave me this really neat mechanical pencil for professional artists and I haven't tried a single line with it. Grunting, I stood between the car door and the cave door, unable to decide which one to open. What the hell is happening with me? Am I afraid of my goal or was it a wrong choice?

I read a book on how to achieve goals. It highlighted that choosing the right goal is critical. Sometimes we choose goals because we think they are right for us, but
deep inside we do it for the wrong reasons (i.e. to please someone, to fit in a group, because it's what we were told we should do, or we were raised to believe so.) The book said that many people achieve goals that don't make them any happier, or give them any satisfaction. That's because the goal wasn't in accordance to their values. Say someone has the goal of a better job with a higher income. She finds a high profile job, earns good money but has to devote most of her time at the office. She's not happy because she's neglecting her family. Family value is more important to her than higher income.  Therefore, we must first know our values in its order of importance so we can choose effective goals that will indeed enrich our life, so the book claims.

Last year I had a goal. I wanted to become a professional comic artist. The human figure on a canvas has fascinated me since I was a little dragon. Motion, action, stillness, emotions, a telltale in a single picture. I can stand in front of one of the classic masterpieces and lose myself in the details of the strokes, colors, shade and light. If I tell you about the time I saw part of the MET art collection, I bet the thrill in my voice and my dreamy expression would be as somebody else's telling you about the time they met the love of their life. My love escaped me for centuries. Life would always get in the way and I could only envy all those that courted her and got to make such great things.

A few months ago, I decided I would give myself the chance to court my love. I was determined. I started The Lord of the Clones as a training to develop the needed skills. It wasn't too bad for a total amateur. I even surprised myself a couple times. My love was being kind to me, even as I glimpsed at the more complex sides of art... My.Dragon.Goodness. I knew my love was the "high-maintenance" type but I think I forgot just how expensive and complex it has become. I look at my pencil and my pad and then gaze at all the technology and obscenely expensive software and my heart sinks, wishing to hide under a rock in embarrassment and shame.

You have many talents, but none is worth much. I hear again the ominous words I've been told for so long. No. I can't afford the needed technology and software to make this affair profitable. I don't think my mechanical pencil and my talent will get me too far without tools to compete with what is out there. I feel guilty of the time spent with my love, so I eventually find myself evading her. I don't enjoy the company. It distresses me. I make myself useful. I learned gardening because we have a big garden and not committed gardeners. I help in the home chores, in repairs. I offer to help people and I pray and meditate, a lot. That gives me peace.

But it still feels like an unrequited love. I resist the call. I want it because it's my heart's desire but I don't want it because it makes me feel bad. I feel ashamed because I encourage others to face their fears and go for their goals, but I feel guilty fighting for a love from which nothing "profitable" will come out. A voice tells me I should pursue what is giving me peace, because I need it. Another voice tells me I will die regretting what could have been but never was. Either way, the struggle impairs my drawing skills so much I can only doodle...and make cats. I hate cats! But my creations are kind of cuddling. Besides it's the only thing that has achieved the bee hive in my head go silent. Great for meditation.

So is this fear? Is it a value issue? What do you think?


I want to thank my very good friend Alex J. Cavanaugh for passing this award on to me. If it were for me, I would return it to him, because he's one of the kindest people I know online and the most deserving, really.

Rules says you have to give it to a person who encourages, inspires or helps others using their writing gift. Truth is, all those whose blogs I read have encouraged or inspired me at one time or another. That would be all those whose names are in the Dragon's Hall of Fame. They're there for a reason and this is pretty much it. Since I can only name one on this post, I'll just say thank you, Alex, you're too kind!

41 comments:

  1. Well earned, my friend.
    A dream and a goal can enrich without ever making money. If it enriches you, that's what matters. If it enriches others, then double bonus. That's how I view my writing and my music.
    Lord of the Clones was far more impressive than you realize. You could do so much with your skills, including illustrations for books. Have you ever looked at one of Pat Hatt's books? You could do that!

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    1. I see perfectly what you mean. I get your point. Thanks for the insight and the support too!

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  2. The award is beautiful.

    Speaking of clones - I was reading your post and thinking, "hmm, I wonder is Al has ever been to Pat's blog?" Well, we live in a small universe.

    And, not all "hobbies" have to earn their keep to give pleasure. But, maybe you just suffer from performance anxiety Give yourself a break and just enjoy the abilities of the gift (the mechanical pencil). Small steps, is what this dragon I know and love is fond saying by way of encouraging others. You are still exploring your creative side Sir, so enjoy the encouragement implicit in the gift of love your mother bestowed upon you. Your horizons are as vast as your heart, but you need't hurry along the journey.

    And besides, cats really are the perfect subject to draw (excepting Dragons). A well rounded artist draws what is presented, and doesn't mind the hard lessons of experimentation.

    Be well Sir, and maybe cut back on the Virgins. They are obviously giving you heartburn that is manifesting in the form of FEAR (Face Everything And Rise) rejection.

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    1. It is small indeed, hehe. I've checked Pat's blog already and I see your point. You're right. I am missing the exploration part. I did cut back on virgin snacks, though! Thank you, Donna!

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  3. Hemingway said, ."..at least try." I could have heard it in 'Midnight in Pari's, not sure. My fear usually comes when I think I won't measure up for whatever reason. We have to take a few risks and ask for a little time for self, it's good for our own happiness.

    I appreciate the image at the top of the post of The Thinker (Rodin). I first saw it in San Fran's Golden Gate Park.

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    1. :) Thanks for the insight! I shall risk more as you just reminded me the worst defeat comes from not trying.

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  4. Does your love affair with art have to be profitable? Is making money one of your primary goals?
    No, I didn't think so.
    Your muse is a tricky demanding thing, but I don't believe that your soul will ever be at peace until you find a way to listen to her. And an itchy souled dragon is bad for himself, and possibly others.
    DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU. It doesn't have to be full time, but it does has to be some of the time.

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    1. The fact that it should be profitable is basically to shut people up, so they stop bugging me but in the end, it's my fault. I let them bug me. I should not let them get to me and just focus on what my heart is telling me. Thanks, my friend.

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  5. Hi Al - Alex' award is wonderful and right .. whatever decision we go with for now, doesn't necessarily stay that way .. but starting is the thing and giving yourself a chance and a focus ..

    Love the idea of the mechanical pencil - I'd love to draw ... perhaps a cupboard full of dragons ... but enjoy life and that's the thing .. looking forward to seeing which direction you go in - cheers Hilary

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    1. Thanks for your support and for reminding me that things always change, Hilary! I'm already working with the pencil and enjoying it. :)

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  6. A passion can turn profitable, but it doesn't have to. Some of our greatest gifts can be measured in that manner. But what they can do for our hearts and for others is eternal. Enjoy your artwork. You don't want to look back and say "I wish I had..."

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    1. I think that's what I fear the most, the "I wish I had". You're so right. I don't want that in my life. Thank you, Diane!

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  7. Querido nieto, do go and look at this blog http://pencilpix.blogspot.ca/2014/06/1706-christine-strikes-again.html. Today she is writing about what happened to her home, but if you look at her page, it is full of artwork that she has done over the years and she makes money from it. Don't run away from your art, pursue it, it is your heart's desire, you will never be truly happy if you don't do so.

    Muchos abrazos.

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    1. I checked it, abuela. Thank you very much for sharing the link. She's awesome. You're right, I should not run from my art. I can make it work. Abrazos!

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  8. This is the shadow that plagues every Creative. Doubt and fear are their weapons. Pens and keyboards ours. Be confident in your talents. They are great. There's much you can learn from active comic artists now. If you've never heard of Howard Taylor, do check out his Schlock Mercenary series. That's how he makes his living, and I find your art every bit as good as his. :)

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    1. I had forgotten that site! Thanks for reminding me about it. And thanks for the support and insight. It truly helped me.

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    2. I'm glad my love of comic strips proved useful. :)

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  9. Start a kickstarter with a digital comic issue being the result. Set the goal for how much it would cost to buy the equipment and software. I know I would love to invest, and I'm certain many others would too. It brings joy to many people to help others pursue their passions, myself included. I believe you can succeed without the fear and guilt. Let us help you with that.

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    1. You made me smile. I have no words to thank you for the support and the kind offer. I am a fool for forgetting everything is possible when there is will and determination. Thank you!!

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  10. I think that your problem lies in the race being with others. Or technology. Or the technology that others have. I know that it SEEMS this way all of the time, but it is NEVER true. The race is always with ourselves. If your passion is art... than you growing as an artist is the only goal. It doesn't mean you can't or won't appreciate the art of others. Hopefully it will always inspire you. Think of the great artists that you love. What if they threw down their brushes because they couldn't manipulate something into art with software? Or they couldn't afford it? Most artists have struggled at some time point and some of the greats were never great until after they died. They never knew their art was any good, except in their own hearts, but they didn't quit. Why? The race was with themselves. And so is yours.

    Do you feel inspired to draw? I hope so!

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    1. I'm drawing already, Robin, so yes, I do feel inspired now. Thank you so very much for your words and your support. I must keep in mind I should only try to be better than I was yesterday. Dragon hugs!

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  11. I think it's a combination. If frugality has been instilled in you as a value, it's only natural to consider the cost of something and then hesitate to make that leap for fear that you won't have enough success (or profit) to justify the cost.

    Problem is, not everything can be measured in dollars (or pesos, as the case may be). If something brings you great joy--if it profits your mind and your heart and your soul--then that may make the expenditure worth it. You'd only fail if you didn't make the leap.

    You are obviously a very passionate, talented, and gifted artist. I can't see you being a failure at this. Can you?

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    1. Not with such supporting friends that help me see things clearer and get in touch with my heart. Thank you very much, Melissa! Dragon Hugs!

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  12. Beautiful award and you truly deserve it!

    I gave up creating jewelry for the same reason - money. It's expensive. Then I found writing...which I need to get back to. Before that, it was painting. I think what I'm trying to say is there are many ways for a creative person to express themselves. What's wrong with a mechanical pencil? I've seen pencil drawings that you would swear are photographs!

    And leave the cats to roam the gardens. Think outside the box. Draw goats instead. ;)

    Bolitas to you!

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    1. Why didn't I think on that? Hahahaha. No more cats! It will be goats from now on. They are funnier and I can get to drink coffee with one of my best friends, you!
      I've seen the artwork you speak of. Yes, it's amazing. I can do many things with the tools I have. It's all matter of working on it. Thank you, dear friend! Bolitas back at you!

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  13. I fear never getting the 'break' I long for in my writing career. Some days the fear and self doubt is overwhelming. I worry about spending money, say on editing or competition entries, fearing it may be a waste. But I love my writing, I love the creative process and to stop doing it would leave me less than whole. So I continue, I face the fear the best way I can. Go with your talent Al, stare down the doubts. Hugs to you my friend. A fitting award from Alex too.

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    1. Thank you for your insight, Suzanne. All this helps me a lot. We should not let fear defeat us. We must rise and be loyal to our hearts. Dragon Hugs back at you!

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  14. I think all of us have fear when we start out going after our goals. Especially those of us who had set a goal before and the result hurt us more than helped.

    That said, I think if one passionately follows a goal, it's necessary to do what we can with what we have. And if we follow that goal with enough passion, using what we have available, some measure of success will meet us anyway.

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  15. I'm sorry your passions are stifled, Father Dragon. I think the value issue is monstrous for all of us. The arts are not lucrative. Period. Except for the rare exception. But it's in you, so I say you have no choice but to nurture it through the fear. I love the acronyms for the word, "fear" too. It's great to keep in mind.

    PS Years ago I read a very helpful book called "Feel the Fear and Do it Any Way." It was a bestseller, though I'm drawing a blank on the author. At any rate, that title says it all.

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  16. Sometimes we only know what our goals should be after we've gone down a few dead ends. So It seems the cats might be an issue with one of those dead ends. Are you sure some witch doesn't have it out for you and has sent her cats to keep you in a dithering doodle? Let me send you something canine with large soulful eyes and faithful heart.

    Here's my other prescription: read The Road Not Taken while doing a meditative headstand. Then once, righted or wronged--that would be feet on floor--find a copy of Drawing on the Right Side of Your Brain. If you still doodle cats, I'll come up with something else. Promise.

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  17. Congratulations, Al, the award is stunning. Looks good on you. As for fear, I'm full of it and have no answers, except....

    This is a rough road we call living. Maybe in the end it'll all make sense. Maybe it won't. I think if I had a choose to have no fear and no challenge, vs fear and stubbornness, well... I think: Better to love oneself and treat each moment of fear as best we can, than to decide only one solution fits all.

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  18. Life is a journey on a winding road, not a straight one. Don't be afraid to try new things. Don't be afraid to drop them if you find they don't make you happy. (The same with people, actually.) I'm sure you'll find the things that will make you happy if you stay open-minded and aren't afraid to try. :)

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  19. You sound much like me, Al. For the longest time I felt a twinge of guilt if I sat down to write. Anything - poetry (which I'm terrible at), my books, or even my blogging. I felt like there was something more productive I should be doing. Thing is, over time, I learned to be kind to myself and do what I truly love. Even if it doesn't pay me in money, I reap the rewards and so do my family because that me time makes me a better person. When the time is right, you'll be able to sit down and do what you truly enjoy without guilt :)

    Congrats on your award! Well deserved.

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  20. I've given up so many goals that I started for the wrong reasons Al. You do have some amazing drawing skills Man. Go for it!

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  21. You know, I struggle the same way. I'm torn between music and the written word--being a vocal performer, composer, and author. I gave up acting years ago to hone in on these other aspirations, and eventually I keyed things down to focus on raising my kids. I don't know what the answer is, but my husband says I'm grumpy if I don't get in some writing. I take that to mean that I need to create, even if it's only on a limited basis. Even if I can only find the time to pen out a poem or dabble at the piano, those moments are what help me become a whole person. Balance in all things, eh?

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  22. Thanks so much for allowing me to be in the dragon hall of fame. You certainly are most deserving of this award. That Alex is a wise man.

    As for the cost of your love...I could make sooo much more money returning to my old job and I sometimes feel the harshest guilt when I think of how much money I am losing by not giving up my love and going back to a 9 to 5 job. But then I remind myself that it does feed my soul, that we have plenty, and if I knew I had a short time to live, I would want to write. The need for perfection and competition will kill us. Keep working, keep honing your skills. Do what you can afford when you have the time to do it. If it's coming from the heart, you will get there.

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  23. "Dragon on a Mission" has been included in our Sites To See #382. Be assured that we hope this helps to point many new visitors in your direction.

    http://asthecrackerheadcrumbles.blogspot.com/2014/06/sites-to-see-382.html

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  24. Dude,

    I hate cats, too.

    So you are not alone :)

    PS: I wrote a very similar post to you several months ago (instead of drawing, it was the WIP) and all I can offer to you, dear Al, is that you *must* choose the second meaning to FEAR.

    I know that personally, every time I *do* sit down to work on my love, no matter if it is for ten minutes or two hours, I feel better.

    Just don't let her escape or leave you - fight for your love :)

    Show her you care (even if it means drawing a low-tech cat or two :)

    PPS: Best of luck to Mexico in the upcoming World Cup game... it's going to be a good one :)

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  25. I'm so happy that Ninja Captain passed this Award on to you Father Dragon. You definitely deserve it. I love what you did with Lord of the Clones and don't think you give yourself enough credit. I can't really say much in that category because I tend to do the same; sometimes I'm my own worst enemy.

    Just continue to follow your heart and don't listen to any naysayers. That's what I'm trying to do. I'll be there for you and you can be there for me. Have a great day and enjoy your Award! Eva

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  26. you so deserve ANY award. do me a favor...court me! court me!! miss ya AL!!

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  27. My dearest Father Dragon, I saw you post a comment on my newest blog and I 'ran' over here as fast as I could, thinking you came back. I'm sure you're back, working with your love and haven't had the time to post anything, so that's okay. :) As far as courting, Tammy :) is going to have to stand in line behind me... I've been missing you terribly!! I'm so glad you came to visit. Dragon Hugs and kisses!! Eva

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