Get the Strength to Keep Moving I

My world is imploding, rebuilding and exploding. I put so much effort in finding the why's to every misfortune I experienced all my life. I have bought truths and lies the same. I have gone down the darkest paths. I have crushed my heart and I have let others crush it. I have believed in magic and I have believed in nothing. I held poison in my hands while I struggled to find a reason why not to drink it. Yes, in my darkest times, I courted death too.

One man took away all thoughts of suicide out of my mind. One relentless theater man who, on the day of my greatest tragedy, came to offer me help to end with my life once and for all. His voice was far from kind. "You choose the manner and I will do it. Stop suffering and stop making those who love you suffer too." Determination burning in his dark eyes, he then quoted a line from a song we both knew very well. "Don't let me stop your great self-destruction. Die if you want to, you misguided martyr. I wash my hands of your demolition. Die if you want to, you innocent puppet."

He knew me well. My greatest strength has also been my greatest flaw; a huge pride. My blood boiled with rage and my arrogance overrode any thought of my current misery. He ignored my fury and added, "Yes, puppet. You are throwing your life away for what others did to you. Others defined you, others fixed your value and convinced you that your life is worth shit. I'll help you to die and make it look like an accident, but know you will be dying as one of people's miserable puppets. Staying and facing this nightmare, where others have fallen already, that's true courage. Standing and finding your true value, not the one others decided, but who you truly are it's up to you. Die now and you're making all those you hate right. I thought better of you but if that's what you want...die as the trash you feel right now."

The fire that exploded inside me was like none I've felt before. There was always time to die but I could not go before proving to myself and the world my true value. My life had a price and I was going to fix it. So I vowed to myself no matter how dark, how hard, how hopeless the darkness I walk, I would not die until I had proved to myself and to the world my true worth.

From that day, my path has been all uphill. I've had my victories but new obstacles always arise, bigger than those I left behind. Sometimes I seek for others' support, but as mysterious and enigmatic as dragons are, 99% of the time I must find ways to provide myself with said strength. I am needing it now. My victories are threatening to escape my grasp, my body is faltering, my mind is clouding.

This post was meant to let you know of an indefinite Leave of Absence, at least until I could breathe with ease again. However, I know there are friends who need some motivation too, so I'm sharing my search with those who have the wish, time and will to check for inspiration to face your own challenges. The videos are basically for me but I'll be thrilled if they prove useful for you too, so be welcome.

I also ask your understanding if I suck at being social for a few days. The dragon loves you dearly, but I'm trying to hold a life-altering storm and keep a vow here. My heart thanks you for your patience.