Monday, July 29, 2013

Get the Strength to Keep Moving I


My world is imploding, rebuilding and exploding. I put so much effort in finding the why's to every misfortune I experienced all my life. I have bought truths and lies the same. I have gone down the darkest paths. I have crushed my heart and I have let others crush it. I have believed in magic and I have believed in nothing. I held poison in my hands while I struggled to find a reason why not to drink it. Yes, in my darkest times, I courted death too.

One man took away all thoughts of suicide out of my mind. One relentless theater man who, on the day of my greatest tragedy, came to offer me help to end with my life once and for all. His voice was far from kind. "You choose the manner and I will do it. Stop suffering and stop making those who love you suffer too." Determination burning in his dark eyes, he then quoted a line from a song we both knew very well. "Don't let me stop your great self-destruction. Die if you want to, you misguided martyr. I wash my hands of your demolition. Die if you want to, you innocent puppet."

He knew me well. My greatest strength has also been my greatest flaw; a huge pride. My blood boiled with rage and my arrogance overrode any thought of my current misery. He ignored my fury and added, "Yes, puppet. You are throwing your life away for what others did to you. Others defined you, others fixed your value and convinced you that your life is worth shit. I'll help you to die and make it look like an accident, but know you will be dying as one of people's miserable puppets. Staying and facing this nightmare, where others have fallen already, that's true courage. Standing and finding your true value, not the one others decided, but who you truly are it's up to you. Die now and you're making all those you hate right. I thought better of you but if that's what you want...die as the trash you feel right now."

The fire that exploded inside me was like none I've felt before. There was always time to die but I could not go before proving to myself and the world my true value. My life had a price and I was going to fix it. So I vowed to myself no matter how dark, how hard, how hopeless the darkness I walk, I would not die until I had proved to myself and to the world my true worth.

From that day, my path has been all uphill. I've had my victories but new obstacles always arise, bigger than those I left behind. Sometimes I seek for others' support, but as mysterious and enigmatic as dragons are, 99% of the time I must find ways to provide myself with said strength. I am needing it now. My victories are threatening to escape my grasp, my body is faltering, my mind is clouding.

This post was meant to let you know of an indefinite Leave of Absence, at least until I could breathe with ease again. However, I know there are friends who need some motivation too, so I'm sharing my search with those who have the wish, time and will to check for inspiration to face your own challenges. The videos are basically for me but I'll be thrilled if they prove useful for you too, so be welcome.

I also ask your understanding if I suck at being social for a few days. The dragon loves you dearly, but I'm trying to hold a life-altering storm and keep a vow here. My heart thanks you for your patience.



46 comments:

  1. Too many of the people I care about are spending time on the dark side at the moment. Sending love and strength your way.

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    1. Thank you very much. It's all welcome.

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  2. I believe the dark chases the light. The brighter that light, the more the darkness chases it. Stand up to it and tell it to back off. You are the master here...you will choose your own destiny. This world can bend our bodies, but it can only touch our spirits if we allow it. Might I suggest Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning"? It's rather dry, but it's a life changer.

    Hugs to you Dragon. Don't stay in the cave too long. Even brave dragons need fresh air.



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    1. Thank you, Elizabeth. I'll check it out. I'll be checking out many these days and I will share what I find with you. True enough, brave dragons need fresh air. Dragon hugs back at you.

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  3. There are many folks here rooting for you Al. I hope your path becomes smoother and your determination continues to shine through. Take care my dragon friend, sending you positive thoughts and hugs.

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    1. Dragon hugs back at you, Suzanne. Determination is here, at least. I'm gathering my faith now.

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  4. Al,

    I know you enjoy Irish music, so I will simply leave you with an Irish blessing - and I wish you ONLY the best - and PLEASE take care of yourself!

    "May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks. May your heart be as light as a song. May each day bring you bright, happy hours. That stay with you all the year long."

    ((AL))

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    1. That's nice, amiguito. Now tell me where I can listen to it. It must be very cheerful. Dragon hugs back at you.

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  5. We all spend a portion of our lives with are "fist in the air", I can only give you a positive vibe and a hope that it turns around...

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    1. I take all the positive vibe you offer me. That's the best I can get right now. Plenty of it. Thanks, Jeremy.

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  6. You are still in control of you. No matter what happens externally, you control your heart. And dragon's hearts are very, very strong.
    You know I will continue to check on you, my friend.

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    1. I know and I thank you. You've been of great help so far. More than you can imagine.

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  7. Keep heading uphill, my friend. Don't turn back.
    And save up some dragon hugs for me while you're gone. You may not believe me, but your hugs make my week. :)

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    1. Double dragon hugs now, Melissa. I will keep it mind. :)

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  8. I am sending you all the light and positive thoughts I can, Al. You are strong and I know you will keep going uphill. Take care of yourself and we will all be here whenever you are able to get back. Dragon hugs to you!

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    1. Keep the light and thoughts coming. May the Higher Powers enlighten me on how to harness them for a better outcome. I cannot fail on this one. Dragon hugs, Julie!

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  9. Al, take care of yourself first and foremost. Keep fighting the good fight and keep leaping those hurdles. The time will come when your ship will right itself and you will sail on calmer waters.

    Wishing you all the best!

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    1. They say the darkest hour only have 60 minutes. Nothing lasts forever, and this won't be the exception. Thank you very much for your support, Mark.

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  10. Al, my heart hurts for your pain. We've never met, yet if you went away I would feel a keen sense of loss because you are someone worth knowing. May you find the strength and inspiration you need. Be well.

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    1. LD, your words touch me deeply. You have no idea how much I appreciate them. Really. Thank you very much.

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  11. Take the time you need Al. Your health comes first. Take a week, or more if you need. We all want to see you get better and get past this difficult time.

    "The dragon teaches you that if you want to climb high, you have to do it against the wind." Chinese proverb

    Keep soaring, keep flying, keep fighting.
    (((((Little Woman Hugs))))))
    (:

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    1. Indeed the Chinese are wise, and against the wind I go. I know in my heart that I will not do this alone. I can feel it. I can feel all of your support and the Higher Powers' blessing. I shall succeed in my mission. Just keep praying.
      Dragon hugs to you.

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  12. Al...just adding my sentiments to so many of the well spoken ones that commented above....especially LD Masterson's. Yes, I've only known you through this amazing land we call blogland. How powerful it is, and how much I hope for your time of struggle to be short and your time of peace and well being to be long.

    Sue CollectInTexasGal

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    1. I really appreciate it, Sue. Thank you very much for your wishes and for visiting me. :)

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  13. Thank you for sharing both your words and the video. You have filled my heart to overflowing on more than one occasion, brought me to tears with your sentiments, inspired me to keep going. I can only hope to repay you in kind with encouragement and dragon-sized hugs. Thank you, my friend, for being you. I cherish our connection.

    Bolitas!

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    1. What else could I ask, Laura? You give me a lot and you know it is corresponded. We're strong together. Dragon hugs back at you

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  14. Blessings sent your way, I am amazed that even when you struggle you give us the inspiration to move forward. May the blessings you've bestowed come back to you tenfold!

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    1. That's a lot, Yolanda. I believe it is important what you fill your mind with, that's why I try encouragement when I need it myself. Thanks!

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  15. Sending you positive energy and healing thoughts! (((Hugs)))

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  16. I know that you will overcome. I believe in you. You inspire me every time I visit your page, so that tells me that your core is solid. I am sending you love and light, my friend. This too, shall pass.

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    1. The darkest hour only have 60 minutes, I keep it in mind. Robin, you inspire me too every time you come. I thank you for this. Dragon hugs!

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  17. I'm glad that someone came at your hour of need with the exact words that set your heart searching in the right direction - life. You are dearly loved by your blogger friends, and I'm sure we are all glad you've decided share your strive for hope with us. God bless you Al... um, I mean Father Dragon. :) Writer’s Mark

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    1. If there is one thing I cannot deny is that God has always sent help when I have needed it badly. Thank you, Nancy. :)

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  18. Hi Al, I hope everything will be better soon! I hate those moments too. Everybody who's sensitive enough pass trough those periods. You grab the memoirs of the words the wise man told you and keep going! Bear hugs for you, my friend!

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    1. Dragon hugs back at you, Franny! This is only one of many battles and I'll get through this as well. Thank you for your support. :)

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  19. The knight stands by the dragon, steadfast and true, lending sword to flame as we vanquish all foes together. Comrades in arms and kindred in spirit, we shall overcome.

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    1. And the word of the dragon and the knight is never given lightly. So it was written, so it shall be done.

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  20. I needed to read this today~ We all have moments of thinking our uphill climb is perhaps not worth the trek. It would not be a worthy path, without obstacles. I have had more than my share, too. Sometimes I find it difficult to relate to others woes. I am not insensitive, just my battles are unique-as I suspect yours are, too! Do what you must to keep your flame burning bright-we all ride this coaster called life and have ups and downs! I hope you are okay and know you are never alone on this journey! (hugs)

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    1. It is hard but it is not impossible. I do have the determination to stand up as many times as I may fall. As many times as it is needed. I do understand you. Dragon hugs back at you.

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  21. OF, FD....

    What can I add to all the blogger lover previously said? But I will try. As creative beings we all go through times of darkness. YOU, dear dragon have a brilliant artistic light. Something just clicked into my mind... a quote.. from an interesting movie for the sixties... "Nothing can destroy your talent, but you will destroy yourself." Not exact, but the point... WHY? Why destroy such beauty and brilliance? We've all been there. Many's the time I've wanted to throw myself under a an oncoming bus... but then I thought ... YUK! That's so not the way to go. The I'd hear laughter from a child in the background... Life is a challenge ... a journey filled with vicious potholes, crippling pain, and debilitating anxiety... so why continue?

    You know the answer as well as I .... To CREATE!!!!!! God gave us talents to use and make the world a better place. There is always others so much less fortunate than ourselves. The motionless child strapped to a wheelchair with only his eyes for comfort. The parents.... caring for such child. I always ask God WHY? WHY allow this to happen on innocent children? Sadly, it's part of life. But in life MIRACLES do happen... IF we pray, and keep at it. Giving up is not the answer... FIGHTING is. Humans and dragons are resilient creatures .... rejuvenate and return to your calling as a creator of beauty.... NOTHING is this world holds a candle to our calling.... It's a part of our brilliant light!!! Darkness can or will never extinguish it ... only we have that power.

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    1. You speak truth and wisdom worth of a dragon, Michael. ;) I recently ran into another. "Ask yourself *what is next?* instead of *why me?* after every fall you face. Why me? is staying a victim. What is next? is preparing yourself for the next battle, for the strike back. It's reassessing your plans and readjusting them to get the victory you didn't achieve right now. I am too stubborn to quit. I'm just catching my breath, gathering my wits and reassessing my plans. As the video says, "This is not over until I win."

      Thank you very much for your support, artistic brother. Dragon hugs.

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  22. I say to hell with the world in general and what they value. The only person you can ever change, the only person you can truly prove value to, the only person you can really make happy is one. Yourself. Of course, that is the hardest person to please. BUT, I say to you, please be kind to yourself, who is my friend, my inspiration and a guide of sorts. Please see the worth of this kind dragon, and praise him, and love him, and extol his virtues. For he is my friend and a friend to many, and that is more valuable than the glory of the world.

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  23. Oh, Father Dragon. My heart bleeds for you. I too have been to dark places and struggled to see the light. What made the difference in my self-destructive thought process? When someone else tried to take my life. That's when I found out just how badly I wanted to live. Sadly, it took something as terrifying as that for my prideful, stupid, stubborn self to learn a valuable lesson. Life is a gift. No matter how difficult it gets. I wish you God's peace Al- may He comfort you and hold you close during this difficult time.

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  24. Hi Al .. sorry been busy and so too have floated over the internet - but now I'm back here .. yes, I feel for you - and cannot think what unimagineables you are experiencing .. my thoughts and now I'm off to read part 2 ..

    With thoughts - Hilary

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  25. Father Dragon, you have so much to offer the world. I'm so glad you've decided to fight the fight and persevere. What Michael said is so true. Many of us go through (and ARE right now going through) really dark times. It's comforting to know that others are also out there fighting. It gives me courage to go on. I suffer from depression, and it's an evil monster. However, it will not win. Life is a gift, and yes, though life is full of hard lesson, Life is Good.
    Tina @ Life is Good

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