"We are talking of stomach cancer, among other things," was the answer to my question for a worst case scenario.
If you have faith the size of a mustard seed... I heard a voice in my head while my blood rushed to my feet.
"I'll give you a list of forbidden food..."
I stopped hearing the doctor. The crater in my stomach revolved and twisted. It is a miracle I am not already feeding on solar cells and fresh air due to so many forbidden lists. I protested the deficiencies are already impacting my energy and defenses.
"Vitamin B will fix your energy problems..."
Inner heat increased. "But that would unleash an horror that tormented me for more than twenty years and incapacitated me for three years. I must get the nutrients I need in their natural source; food."
"The fact the whole digestive system is compromised doesn't help. Not to mention the nervous, circulatory and endocrine systems. You have a tendency for cancer and your defenses are a joke." My face glowing or the murderous look in my eyes made my doctor friend pause and change his tone. "That's why no one can't stop the digestive deterioration. You must not get angry."
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Take the vitamins, have a boost until the body reacts, then decay into a distorted matter that will crawl again its way along the cave. Back to the time when days were not made of hours but eternities of painful stings in every nerve end that pierced the flesh deep into the soul.
Don't take the vitamins and suffer a different kind of decay from other systems that will crash. Maybe less painfully, maybe not, but the final result is not so different from the useless matter that will breath but not live.
LIVE! For me, to live is enjoying the things I write about every Friday. Walk, play, laugh, love, run, swim, jump, savor, hug, see, smell, hear, touch, think, write, dream, do, learn. The hell I knew was not living. It was enduring and surviving without losing my sanity. It was a sick longing for death.
A couple weeks ago I said to Mother Dragon, "I've been thinking hard about all this. You know I'm not afraid to die but-"
"That's the problem," she cut me off. "You don't fear death, but you don't love your life either."
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Death is most people's greatest terror. Mine is pain; a slow nightmare of an agony that has no end. Even the toughest breaks when faced with their worst fear. I did.
"If you have faith like a grain of a mustard seed, you would say to this mountain, 'move,' and it would obey. Nothing will be impossible for you."
I am not a Christian but I still respect the word of the wise man who said this. While these words repeated in my mind, I thought on my grandfather, Father Dragon "The Great". His willpower defied death prognosis so many times. I witnessed it. Yet, I can't deny there was only one cry in my heart during my prayer to the Higher Powers for guidance. I want health or death, just not more pain!
Even if you go for a miracle, there is no painless road. Higher Powers don't exist to do your homework. You'll have to face your fears either way.
The thought twisted my guts. I remembered the words I've been repeating a bit too much since my meeting with the doctors. "I can't-"
Brave is not the one who is fearless, but the one who even terrified confronts his fears. Remember the "Yes, you can", remember the "Ironman", remember what you've told others and above all, remember the value of your word. How can you tell people to climb mountains you refuse to climb or travel through darkness you dare not travel? What value does your word have then?
My word, my pride, my essence. The ultimate goal of my archaic sense of honor seems to be saving my own life by proving with action that I believe in what I say. That I speak truth, that attitude determines chances, that limits are inside one's mind and that our greatest enemy dwells within us and its name is "Fear".
In my first IWSG post I wrote: If you really want to get that glorious triumph that makes your skin crawl with goosebumps, you need to stand up and get your soul to fight when you think your heart cannot take anymore. It is far easier to watch a movie than to try that kind of heroism in your real life with your real aches and challenges -whatever they might be- but sparing the pain won't get you closer to your goals.
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Someone said that nothing is stronger than its weakest point. That's where it will ultimately break. All of Achilles's strength was useless when hit in his talon. But whoever said that didn't take into account spirit and choice. We can choose to set our limits on our weakest point (matter) or on our strongest point (spirit).
My final fate depends on whether or not I can work out my mustard-seed sized faith on time to stop and reverse the progressive damage of my "stronghold" before the Dragon Slayer strikes me in way I can't get up again. Yes, I am scared out of my mind for everything this involves. I am aware miracles are called so for a reason, but I'm choosing to leap and go for it. If I can't fly, at least I'm falling with style.
And just because my Inner Clown demands I finish this with an upbeat, I share this pic with you. It's so meaningful I'll adopt it as my own mission badge. It reminds me we should not lose our sense of humor, even in the worst of times. It also reminds me I have plans for my stomach tomorrow, regardless where it might take me today.
I know only too well Cancer exist my late husband had it twice, but this was a bit gory for me ro read first thing in the morning having my breakfast. You write excellently but it's a subject I can't stomach.
ReplyDeleteHead up, eyes on your goals and I wish you the best. Sending all good vibes and prayers your way.
ReplyDeleteAloha Al,
ReplyDeleteI'm stopping by as a co-host of IWSG and just wanted to say hi from Alex (I'm a borg, I'm a borg:)
Listen, Mr. Dragon, I have no wise words to offer - only an ear to lend, but you have my friendship for free and my heartfelt prayers should you want/need them.
You are one strong man, and although you may be on bended knee, I know you will *never* give in.
So good luck and (if you don't mind me saying) God speed.
PS... If there are any other strange Irish tunes you need to know the title of, you *know* I got your back :)
((AL))
Mother Dragon sounds very wise.
ReplyDeleteAl, I didn't know you were facing that situation!
ReplyDeleteThe faith of a mustard seed is very real and I know you have it in you to dig deep and find it. Then fight it and win.
You will definitely be in my prayers.
@Yvonne: Sorry for that. *hugs*
ReplyDelete@Brandon: Thanks, man. :)
@Mark: I'll send you my list then. Thanks for the prayers. They are always welcomed.
@Moody: Yes, indeed.
@Alex: I am already at it. Thank you for the prayers, I know I'll need them. :D
Oh, Al, your post moved me so much it reduced me to tears. Words can't express how sorry I am you have to face this trouble. It's not fair, is it? From the bottom of my heart, I wish you strength, health and faith. I wish you everything good in life. Please take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteHere's the wonderful thing about the itty bittiest fleck of faith-- it is watered and nurtured by the faith of friends who can help pray and lift you up. Consider me a little faith fertilizer in your life, Dragon friend.
ReplyDeleteNothing worse than living with pain, but plant the mustard seed and see it grow. I wish you all the best and hope you will lean on your friends who will be only too glad to do what they can. Hugs and best wishes to you and to Mother Dragon.
ReplyDeleteJO ON FOOD, MY TRAVELS AND A SCENT OF CHOCOLATE
The seed has been planted and in your rich soul it will flourish. You've already gotten through so much you probably never thought you could, you will do it again. And with the words of your wise grandfather and those of the great Father of us all as your weapons, you can't lose, no matter what happens.
ReplyDeleteOn a separate note---or probably not separate at all---this was a stunningly beautiful piece of prose.
Al, if ever you need me, I am here to listen. Your Dragon Heart has touched me and I'll be praying for you.
ReplyDelete- Mike
@Lexa: Sorry I made you cry but I assure you I'm still up for the fight of my life and I'm determined to win.
ReplyDelete@Julie: Thank you for your warm words. With so much fertilizer I'm sure we'll have a good seed. :)
@Jo: I'm leaning on everything I find at hand and fortunately I'm not alone in this. Thank you very much!
@Nicki: I have to say I've felt a tiny light sparkle at the very moment I decided I'll do my best, and each day my determination grows. Thank you for your kind words.
@Mike: Thank you Mike, for your ears and for your prayers. Thank you very much.
DeleteFrom my stunned silence comes a roar of approval welling up from the depths. Yes, we can fall with style but an updraft will turn that fall into a soaring flight which only a dragon is capable of producing. Sparkling, positive thoughts sent your way from me...and a Darth Vader determination to slay the negative.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't prepared for such a heavy post, but I appreciate your courage in sharing this difficulty with us. I watched my grandmother suffer for many years at the end. She was more than ready when the time came. The physical pain had been managed, but a stroke can reduce a person to a shell of what they once were.
ReplyDeleteYour strength and Mother Dragon will help you through this.
Sending Hugs and positive energy!
Luckily the lump in my throat cannot stop my fingers from writing to you. I'm touched not only by this sad news but by the person that you are. Keep that chin up and that stomach on whatever it needs. I'm sending you lots of prayers and positive thoughts. Give Mother Dragon a hug, I'm sure she needs it just as much as you.
ReplyDeleteAnd hey, little mustard seed sized faith is all you need... the rest of us will pray that it blooms and keeps growing and wishing you the best of luck.
You will have my every prayer. Any support, hope, help...whatever you need that I could do...you better ask. You're such a warm spot in my day and I won't accept anything but a full recovery. Take care, my friend...and even if the list of don't and do's sucks, follow it. For us, because we love you.
ReplyDeleteWell, to me, it sounds like that seed has already taken root and is on it's way to flourishing :)
ReplyDeleteRegardless of your beliefs, just know that there are people keeping you in their thoughts and prayers and I have every confidence that, along with Mother Dragon's help, Father Dragon can defeat the Dragon-Slayer, once and for all.
@Laura: You thought the same I did about that draft. We're alert for it! :)
ReplyDelete@Isis: I'm sorry, I tried to make it light. Thank you for all the positive energy. I'm gathering it earnestly. :)
@S.K: I really appreciate both prayers and thoughts. As Julie says, that's the fertilizer for the seed. I'll pass the hug onto Mother Dragon. Thank you very much.
@Elizabeth: Thank you! Sure I'll ask. I'm rather shameless, hahaha. I'm ready now to fight with all I've got. Be sure of that. Thanks again. :D
@Mark: It's on its way, Mark. I hear the same you hear. Thanks for the vote of confidence!
DeleteI'm so sorry, and can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but please know that I am among those keeping you in my thoughts and sending all the positive energy I have your way. Hugs to you, Al.
ReplyDeleteLove your attitude! I know you must be experiencing pain and fear, but meeting them with humor and bravery is the best, most heroic human response. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteHell of a thing to face. Sorry you have to.
ReplyDeleteJust breaks my heart. No wise words today, Al. Just lots of prayers. This is a tough one...brings back way to many memories of my dad and two uncles. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteEven the biggest tree started with a tiny seed. Plant that hope and let it grow. So sorry to hear you're going through this. It's the worst. But be strong and fight back.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your illness and wishing you the best. Nourish that mustard seed and let it grow.
ReplyDelete@Julie: Thanks for the prayers and the hugs. :)
ReplyDelete@L.G. Thanks for the hugs, yes, let's keep the attitude above all.
@Tony: Let's do something good out of it.
@M.J. Prayers are wise, my dear friend.
@Kate: At least in my heart, getting stronger every day.
@Robin: Thanks for the good wishes. It will grow. :)
You are so brave to share this with us and I feel honoured that you did. As I have got to know you via this wonder of the blogopshere I have seen your warmth and positivity shine through to others. It is our turn to give back some of those heartfelt wishes to you and Mother Dragon. Take care my friend.
ReplyDeleteIt's odd you write of this. Last night I dreamed of my sister-in-law who died of leukemia... almost 7 years ago now. I was sitting in her hospital room and we were talking. She wanted me to tell her about everything going on and she wanted to read my books. She was so proud. Anyway, whether a dream or not, it was nice to visit with her again.
ReplyDeleteAlthough she struggled, she put up a great fight and I know other people who won. And no matter what, find a way to love your life.
My best and good wishes to you, Al, and Mother Dragon.
I'm adding my words of encouragement and wishes for wellness to what the other 'Dragon Friendly Folks' have expressed. 'STAY IN THE RING'...you have much to do and many who care.
ReplyDeleteSue CollectInTexasGal
Al, thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you have to face this. Be strong. Be brave.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending positive vibes across the blogosphere.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes to you and yours.
Writer In Transit
@Suzanne: Thanks. We'll stay positive, Suzanne. I have promised to myself. :)
ReplyDelete@MPax: I'm determined to put up a dragon size fight and win. Thanks for the good wishes! :)
@Sue: True. We'll stay in the ring and make a good fight. Stay and you'll see.
@Michelle: Thank you for the good vibes. A lot of positive energy is reaching the cave for sure!
Al. Don't give up. Pay attention to your diet and listen to Mother Dragon. You are stronger than you think. Draw your strength in knowing how much people care about you are praying for you and sending you positive thoughts from around the world. I'm sending you lots of positive vibes your way. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteThank you, Elise. Yes, all this support is already strengthening my resolve and determination to not fail. The positive vibes are the perfect medicine. *dragon hugs*
DeleteDon't give up. Let all our voices multiply and increase that faith within you. You're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought Hell and McDonald's were pretty much the same thing. ;)
Do you know my power grows with laughter? And you just made me laugh. Thank you, Christine!!
DeleteAl, I will add my mustard seed to yours and my prayers to your prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank you, LD. That's huge. :D
DeleteValiant knight Jeff stands with his Noble Dragon. Forever inseparable, they look down upon the remnants of the foe just slain. Their determined will, forever steadfast, brought forth victory. For that, valiant knight Jeff will be forever grateful.
ReplyDeleteYour courage, your strength, your resolve is an inspiration eternal. Give Mother Dragon my love and gratitude. My sword and pen is at your service. As am I.
- Sir Jeff, friend of the noblest of dragons.
I can't stop smiling and my eyes are getting cloudy. You have supported me soooo much already since the beginning that I don't know how to repay you but with the same friendship and loyalty. Thank you, Sir Jeff. I'm honored to be friends with such a fine great knight.
DeleteSending you healing thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot, Lara! :)
DeleteYikes Al. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. All I can say is faith is mighty powerful. My prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteLyn
IWSG co-host
Thank you, that's the best you can give me. :D
DeleteI'm agnostic myself; but my father had the faith to move mountains. You have to find your own faith to get through trying times such as what you are going through. My stomach growls a protest at your dilemma.
ReplyDeleteAll your quotes here are inspirational - to me. If you don't mind noble sir, I'd like your permission to add your "triumph" quote to the sidebar on my blog - linking back to you of course. I tell myself it is for the inspiration of others, but I know I will read it frequently and remind myself of what true courage is.
.....dhole
Tell your stomach to smile in protest at my dilemma. It turns out better. :)
DeleteI don't mind at all, Donna. Whatever I say that you feel it helps you, please feel free to take it. Its only right as I take courage from your words too.
Thanks Al :)
Delete.......dhole
Al, I'm so very sorry. Pain is a greater fear. Most of the time we don't appreciate the absence of it. Will join the others in praying for healing.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Diane. All these prayers are like a wave that soothes my heart. I'll be in your debt forever. :)
DeleteChoosing the lesser of two evils is never easy. Good luck, Al. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Now that I've met you, I can't imagine the blogosphere without you. :(
ReplyDeleteSo sweet, Melissa but don't worry. I plan to stick around for a while. :)
DeleteFD... I feel your pain.... But in times like these I remember what had happened to my mom. I hope this puts a GRIN on your snout. She had gone in for a hernia operation when she was about fifty-three. She had never been to Europe, she had so much life to live and nothing would stop her from that. She came out of the anesthesia and the doctor loomed over her.... the so called hernia was stage two Hotchkin's desease (lymph node cancer). When in informed her, her response SHOCKED the doctor.
ReplyDelete"Ha," she said. "If you think for ONE MINUTE PUT INTO SOCIAL SECURITY since the age of 13 and I AM NOT GOING TO COLLECT .... YOU ARE GROSSLY MISINFORMED."
He smiled. And with that response he said her attitude alone would get her through. AND IT DID. She worked all day, went for radiation therapy in the afternoon, ate, got sick, AND WENT TO BINGO... That was mom.
Sadly, she is no longer with us, but it wasn't the cancer that had killed her. It was cigarettes. She could have lived, but it was her choice to smoke.
It's all about our choices. I understand that food is a wonderful part of life, to live and enjoy. I made the choice to forgo my love for food to remain fit. I was a very large man not too long ago and I made the choice to live a healthier life but I gave up my pleasure in food. It's all about our choices and what is REALLY important to us.
ALL the best FD.... WE are here for you!
Your mother rocked with that answer and you made me chuckle. It has been a month since I talk to the doctors, but I've felt a difference in the attitude alone. My plan of action is still in the works but I'm confident my decision will be the best. Food is still the enigma but I've seen alternatives and they look promising. In any case, attitude is at its best. Thank you for your words and support! :)
DeleteBeautiful words! Now I'll think of a mustard seed in a whole new way. Thanks for the laugh with that last pic. I love your new blog design!
ReplyDeleteThanks, J.A. We're remodeling the Cave. New groove. :) I'm glad you liked it.
DeleteAwesome post! I like to walk, play, laugh, love, run, swim, jump, savor, hug, see, smell, hear, touch, think, write, dream, do, and learn too! Its the simple things in life that make me happy!
ReplyDeleteLove the Toy Story pic! I'm going to post it to Facebook.
Have a great day!
Simple things that must be cherished and have plenty in our life. :) Sure, go ahead. I'm a Toy Story fan.
DeleteAl, I had no idea that you were not well. Please, please have faith that you will recover. Its taking me long to type because I am busy brushing away my tears. Sending you lots of positive and healing energy. You will be in my prayers. Hugs!
ReplyDeletePositive and healing energy is like the best I can have and the most effective force right now. Thank you very much, Rachna, from my heart. *Dragon hugs*
Deleteon more than one level, the words you typed here, the feelings you felt have struck a cord. I wish you well father dragon, and with your permission I'll send you a very big, strong, bear hug. I hope you'll accept it Father Dragon, because I have found in life, that sometimes a big old, strong bear hug does wonders. Stay strong, keep the spirit flying high, and let us know how you are doing. Love and blessings from my heart to yours.
ReplyDeleteI love hugs, all kind of hugs. Sure I'll accept as many as you want to give me. You are right, they do wonders. :) Thank you for all that sweet energy you send me. Thank you.
DeleteI am just now getting around to reading IWSG posts. I wish I would have gotten here sooner, matters like this are of most importance.
ReplyDeleteI'm sending you prayers upon prayers and love, and pray that the All Mighty places his healing hands upon you. I also sent a little prayer to ask if He could send my brother(he's an angel now) to help heal and guide you (for a little extra support). ;)
You have a lot of friends and loved ones supporting you but if you need anything from me, just ask!