"We are talking of stomach cancer, among other things," was the answer to my question for a worst case scenario.
If you have faith the size of a mustard seed... I heard a voice in my head while my blood rushed to my feet.
"I'll give you a list of forbidden food..."
I stopped hearing the doctor. The crater in my stomach revolved and twisted. It is a miracle I am not already feeding on solar cells and fresh air due to so many forbidden lists. I protested the deficiencies are already impacting my energy and defenses.
"Vitamin B will fix your energy problems..."
Inner heat increased. "But that would unleash an horror that tormented me for more than twenty years and incapacitated me for three years. I must get the nutrients I need in their natural source; food."
"The fact the whole digestive system is compromised doesn't help. Not to mention the nervous, circulatory and endocrine systems. You have a tendency for cancer and your defenses are a joke." My face glowing or the murderous look in my eyes made my doctor friend pause and change his tone. "That's why no one can't stop the digestive deterioration. You must not get angry."
That's the joke. I can't get angry, happy or sad. I shouldn't have any feelings at all if I want to keep my organs working. But seriously, how can anyone not get mad with solutions that solve less than 10% of the problems they cause? My wrecking soul roared in an explosion that started in my plexus and spread through my body.
Take the vitamins, have a boost until the body reacts, then decay into a distorted matter that will crawl again its way along the cave. Back to the time when days were not made of hours but eternities of painful stings in every nerve end that pierced the flesh deep into the soul.
Don't take the vitamins and suffer a different kind of decay from other systems that will crash. Maybe less painfully, maybe not, but the final result is not so different from the useless matter that will breath but not live.
LIVE! For me, to live is enjoying the things I write about every Friday. Walk, play, laugh, love, run, swim, jump, savor, hug, see, smell, hear, touch, think, write, dream, do, learn. The hell I knew was not living. It was enduring and surviving without losing my sanity. It was a sick longing for death.
A couple weeks ago I said to Mother Dragon, "I've been thinking hard about all this. You know I'm not afraid to die but-"
"That's the problem," she cut me off. "You don't fear death, but you don't love your life either."
I was going to protest but didn't. She didn't say it for discussion but for me to ponder, along with the rest of the stuff like I'm a ticking bomb, that my inner raging fire is not for free, and that usually the creatures that are more fierce are the ones that had been hurt a bit too much. Still I cannot resign to the idea of going back to that crippled hell. I can't
Death is most people's greatest terror. Mine is pain; a slow nightmare of an agony that has no end. Even the toughest breaks when faced with their worst fear. I did.
"If you have faith like a grain of a mustard seed, you would say to this mountain, 'move,' and it would obey. Nothing will be impossible for you."
I am not a Christian but I still respect the word of the wise man who said this. While these words repeated in my mind, I thought on my grandfather, Father Dragon "The Great". His willpower defied death prognosis so many times. I witnessed it. Yet, I can't deny there was only one cry in my heart during my prayer to the Higher Powers for guidance. I want health or death, just not more pain!
Even if you go for a miracle, there is no painless road. Higher Powers don't exist to do your homework. You'll have to face your fears either way.
The thought twisted my guts. I remembered the words I've been repeating a bit too much since my meeting with the doctors. "I can't-"
Brave is not the one who is fearless, but the one who even terrified confronts his fears. Remember the "Yes, you can", remember the "Ironman", remember what you've told others and above all, remember the value of your word. How can you tell people to climb mountains you refuse to climb or travel through darkness you dare not travel? What value does your word have then?
My word, my pride, my essence. The ultimate goal of my archaic sense of honor seems to be saving my own life by proving with action that I believe in what I say. That I speak truth, that attitude determines chances, that limits are inside one's mind and that our greatest enemy dwells within us and its name is "Fear".
In my first IWSG post I wrote: If you really want to get that glorious triumph that makes your skin crawl with goosebumps, you need to stand up and get your soul to fight when you think your heart cannot take anymore. It is far easier to watch a movie than to try that kind of heroism in your real life with your real aches and challenges -whatever they might be- but sparing the pain won't get you closer to your goals.
Someone said that nothing is stronger than its weakest point. That's where it will ultimately break. All of Achilles's strength was useless when hit in his talon. But whoever said that didn't take into account spirit and choice. We can choose to set our limits on our weakest point (matter) or on our strongest point (spirit).
My final fate depends on whether or not I can work out my mustard-seed sized faith on time to stop and reverse the progressive damage of my "stronghold" before the Dragon Slayer strikes me in way I can't get up again. Yes, I am scared out of my mind for everything this involves. I am aware miracles are called so for a reason, but I'm choosing to leap and go for it. If I can't fly, at least I'm falling with style.
And just because my Inner Clown demands I finish this with an upbeat, I share this pic with you. It's so meaningful I'll adopt it as my own mission badge. It reminds me we should not lose our sense of humor, even in the worst of times. It also reminds me I have plans for my stomach tomorrow, regardless where it might take me today.