Insecure Writers Support Group is the brainchild of Alex J. Cavanaugh. Purpose: to share and encourage. This is a group where writers can express doubts and concerns without fear of appearing foolish or weak.
Considering the purpose of this group, my choice for today's post is kind of ironic. "..express...without fear of appearing foolish or weak." It is very rare for Father Dragon to actually post personal doubts and concerns for the IWSG. Usually my posts are of encouragement.
I don't think people expressing their doubts and fears are fools. On the contrary. I always tend to encourage people to tell me about their heartaches in the most sincere wish to help them. Along my life, many have sought for the dragon's ears and insight. Their confidence honored me and I tried to do my best, listening and giving insight from an impartial point of view; offering a truthful insight. Truthful in that I spoke my mind. I was never cruel but I also never tried to sugar coat bad news. Mostly if I considered it was imperative for the person to see it, because one way or another, they were lying to themselves and were stuck in hurtful situations that only lead to getting worse, should they follow their misguided trend.
I don't consider myself a sage or the owner of Absolute Truth. I'm a dragon but I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes. My opinion might be wrong. I may lack information. However, I have traveled many roads and it is this experience that gives me the right to speak of certain things. It is precisely because I've fallen in very deep abysses and walked out of them that I can speak of how you can survive them too. I am a dragon, of course. Those I speak to are normal people. Yet, I have seen that most people can find something useful in my words. A little or a lot of the dragon insight sounds logic and helpful to somebody, and I'm happy for that. For years, this has given my past misfortunes a meaning, a reason and a good use, beyond what I personally learned from them.
However, being the one people seek for advice has a catch.
It is very difficult to express one's personal aches. You're the strong, you're the balanced, you're the one others lean on, so you're not supposed to have fears, doubts or (Higher Powers forbid) break down. And if you do, you regret it the very next second after you uttered your "whining".
That's how I feel whenever I have expressed any kind of personal hurt or ache. I find myself regretting it deeply, not because of the response of the one who happened to hear me, but because I feel plain ridiculous. I wish I had a spell to make people forget what I just said. That wasn't me. This conversation never took place. You're dreaming it all and if you ever mention it, I'll deny it.
My first instinct is to get away and immediately start my self-help kicking. I'm alright. I'll handle it all by myself, as I've handled everything else. I really won't die over this. I have seen worse. Stupid emotions. I am STRONG! Victory. Success. Kick that dragon ass up, NOW! GO GO GO!
I asked for a miracle some months ago. Get my health back enough to have a real life. Go out, hang out with friends, find love, travel, have fun, enjoy the good things of life. The miracle is being granted. I'm healthy enough to work again, to go out and start doing all those things I said I wanted in my life.
I am grateful for the miracle. It cost me great deal of effort. Am I happy? Freaked out would be more like it. Hang out with friends, find love, enjoy the good things of life...It never occurred to me all this needed for me to actually put myself out of my shell, out of the safety of my hermetic hiding. Concerns and doubts are parts of an individual's personality and they have to show in the process of true friendship and anything that can be worthy to be called love.
When I asked for my miracle, it never occurred to me that getting a healthy life involved sharing myself with others, beyond the impenetrable dragon scales. I royally suck at sharing myself. I can share my crispy virgin snacks faster than I can actually open my heart for someone to see inside. I have to be cornered by desperation and confusion to let this happen. Obviously, at those moments I'm far from wise, balanced and strong. Terrible combo.
The achievement of my first miracle brought the need of a second miracle. One I didn't take into account. I can say I'm scared and so not ready for it but I'll regret it soon enough.
I've seen worse. I am strong! Victory. Success. GO GO GO!!
Congratulations to the IWSG for its second anniversary. Here's to Alex Cavanaugh for his wonderful idea. May many more anniversaries come with an ever growing online family of supportive writers...and mythical creatures.